favorite aftercare

Hello–how are you doing?  This is about my favorite aftercare.  I went to the dentist, which is traumatic at the best of times.  I’d cracked a tooth.

How in the hell did I crack a tooth?  I blame pistachios.  Lately pistachios were my favorite food.  Yes, they are delicious.

But hmm, you’re not supposed to crack your teeth.  I knew this was not a good thing.  So I tried to be a responsible person and wade through a swamp of insurance bullshit to find a dentist and do that whole thing.  I am still getting settled into our new home in Oregon, not yet three months here with Ming.

A housemate asked over txt how they could support me.  They offered, so I said that 30 or 40 minutes in a common area of the house, with low language and some chill support would be nice.

Then that friend was not home when I returned from the dental pain.  So I thought–oh, it didn’t have to be them.  I could ask other housemates to help me with my favorite aftercare.

So I txted a few housemates asking for care.  It sparked some cool conversations.

The first housemate who said yes is someone I feel very tender toward.  He had been depressed and deep in his cave of sadness, seldom leaving his room.  For him to support me kindly after this absence was a cool way for him to reappear in my life after being ghosty for a week or more.

list

I made this list of things housemates could do for me, as chill support in a public space.  Part of the idea was to diversify.  If others could care for me skillfully, then Ming would be free to do other things.  Community is wonderful, partly to get and give love with more people than Ming.

Here’s a list of things I wrote on the list.

• chamomile tea
• warm blanket on me
• read book near me
• pat my back / touch my back in a circle
• hand on back
• hold hands
• just be near
• sing together
• dance together
• rest together
• offer snack
• say you’re proud of me for caring for my mouth
• thank me for being dentally responsible
• silly story
• hug at end
• eye contact
• healing song

Then I never showed the list to anyone.  I put it here as an artifact of the day.

soft blanket

The first housemate-friend I asked to put the soft blanket on me, and he did.  It was a beautiful act of love.  It felt like love.  I was grateful (I still am).

Then I cried and was able to move my dental grief through.  Probably I cried for half an hour.  This particular housemate has sat with me through so many tears.  He’s good at being present for me as I feel huge feelings.  I will always be grateful to him for that.

Dental stuff is not really about my teeth.  It’s about trauma–other situations long ago, where I felt trapped and violated in creepy painful ways, with the shame that comes with that.  There’s no getting around those difficult feelings.  I just have to feel them.  That and work for a better world with emotional skills, respect, and copious consent, where children and other vulnerable people are no longer prey.

experiment win

The other housemates who cared for me that day, I didn’t cry, and it was way more chill.  It was more like regular life.  That’s fine.  The whole thing was a good experiment.

Conclusion: I would like to get better at asking for what I need and talking about my favorite aftercare.

Other conclusion: Let’s create a world where people know what low language means.  We can do care in ways that are nothing like venting, hate, bingeing, or talking therapy.  We can do so much better than that.

Is it only severely traumatized people who need low language care?  Is it only autistic people such as myself?  I’m betting that more options would be good for everyone.