Dangerous Compassions

suicide hotline

Hello–how are you doing?  Have you ever called a suicide hotline?  How was it?

People I know and respect share suicide hotline number materials on social media.  I find the whole thing confusing.  Here are my questions.

  • Have you ever called that number?
  • How were you treated?
  • What happened to you?
  • Was the person at the other end of the line respectful and skilled?
  • Was it a good experience for you?
  • Did they suggest you go to the emergency room?
  • Did they offer to call the cops on you?
  • How about calling the cops without your permission?
  • Did you go to the hospital?
  • Were you violenced then?

People think some intervention is better than none.  If there are no good choices, they will take the crappy choice.  But having my consent violated and being violenced in hospitals is hell.  We can do better.

wellness plan

I was working on my wellness plan for the house.  New to this area, I don’t know what the local psych hospital is like, if there’s a good alternative, and how the jail is here.  Weighing my options at a difficult time, it’s better to know what we’re up against.

I feel very stable now.  But psych stuff can be surprising.  A health issue or tragedy can knock me on my ass.  It can happen to anyone.

Having psych diagnoses means that I’m extra vulnerable to having my issues attributed to psych stuff, which can be used as an excuse to take away my freedom.

voices example

It happened to me in Las Vegas.  Ming was talking to my medical clinic–they asked a question about me, and Ming answered it honestly.

“Yeah, she always hears voices,” Ming said.  “That’s normal for her…”

The doctor freaked out, said I needed to go to the emergency room right away, and she would have nothing more to do with me.  Yikes–not what I needed as care.

It was traumatic on top of old medical trauma, and a huge waste of time and energy.  I had to start over with a new doctor while I was in the middle of a scary health issue.  Her ego was what mattered, not my well-being.  What a cluster of fudge.

suicide hotline

Ok, back to my point about the suicide hotline number and people wanting to be helpful by sharing it.  I prefer real support, emotional skills, and cultural change.

Kinda reminds me of voting, right now.  Yes, go ahead and vote.  I see that’s very important to you.  I know to you it matters a lot.  Probably it’s an ok thing to do.  I’m glad you believe it matters.  Go ahead.  I will be a cranky voice over here, saying we need a functional culture, not a certain political party or number to call.

Of course they are not mutually exclusive.  I can do radical mental health, write every day, make art, do community, disabledly interdepend with Ming, and vote on the same day.  Yes, you’re right.  Thank you, logical patriot.  I will try harder to love my country and believe in borders.  Maybe one day, I will vote again.


You know, countries are a fairy tale I gave up long ago.  But of course, they still bomb people and do the very bad things.  Yes, you’re right.  Countries exist, whether I believe in them or not.

Santa is still going to deliver gifts, right?  Someone’s got to stuff stockings and harness the reindeer.   Our roofs need the clipclomping of hooves, whether reindeer can fly or not.

I exist in many ways, with a vast array of feelings and thoughts and values.  I love how they’re layered so beautifully.

thank you

Sorry if I’m not making sense too good.  I’m not feeling well, but I don’t have a fever.  Just this one last thing for today.

Thank you for living.  Thank you for your survival.  I know it’s a lot of work, and I admire you for trying, all these years.

Thank you for keeping body with soul.  Thank you for how you love and enjoy this human birth.  I appreciate you.

I made this sign today that says Love Forest Defenders for a vigil that Ming is at right now.  I’d suggest we love the defenders of crazy people such as myself as well.

not suicide hotline

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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