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Dangerous Compassions

trust is exhausting

Hello, how have you been?  Lately Ming and I are getting used to our new home here in community in Oregon.  Wow, it’s a lot of work!  Trust is exhausting.

weather

Ming and I were taking a walk.  There were wet leaves on the ground.  I enjoyed moving through space in the cold.  I asked Ming to take my picture.

Finally I’ve figured out how to dress for this weather.  This outfit is appropriate for me around 40 degrees F, if the wind isn’t bad and I’m walking.

trust is exhausting

It includes the warm rainbow scarf my friend in town gave to me.  The scarf makes all the difference!  I’m also wearing a dress with lizards depicted, black sweatpants, my mom’s red warmness, socks, and real shoes.

trust is exhausting

A new housemate was talking to me in the kitchen.  I told them how there’s so much new to get used to.  Even the weather–I kept going outside in shorts and a tank top, which did not work.

I process out what happened before, and I process in what my life is now.  Can you see me in your mind, a Laura-Marie factory?  The past comes in, and the future goes out.  I learn more about my past in community in Las Vegas, by seeing it in the context of our life here in Oregon.  So much that I did there in Las Vegas, I believed was ok, but it was not.  I was doing so much work to make it ok.

Trust is exhausting.  Lowering my armor is exhausting.  Telling myself over and over again, “You’re safe here, Laura-Marie.  You can be yourself here and not get punished for it.”  It’s a lot of self-talk.  I’m happy to heal.

weed

Some people at this house smoke a lot of weed.  We are in Oregon after all.  At first it bothered me, on the porch.

Now their weed smoking is a regular part of life.  I feel different about the smell as I pass by.  It used to seem uncomfortably too much, and I was judgmental about escapism.

But now I say–it’s how they regulate.  I use substances to regulate too, like magnesium glycinate, tylenol, and the joyful chemicals my own body makes when I experience touch.  To each their own, live and let live, whatever gets you through the night, etc.

I probably used pizza as a drug, before.  Definitely I’ve used cookies.  Not sure why cookies are the best things in the world.

Well, Ming is the best thing in the world.  But he is not really a thing.

“What do you think about using pizza as a drug?” I asked Ming.

He nodded.

“How about cookies?” I asked.

“They’re both round,” he said.

happy

I’m just happy to do community again.  This one has way less hierarchy, more pleasure, and better food.  Vegetarian is the norm, it’s mostly vegan, and hippies are real.

Many men I see around are thin white guys with a brown beard.  The Oregon combination of hipster and hick is bizarre.  Feeling it out.  Trust is exhausting, but I’ve trained my whole life for this.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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