what’s going right

Hello, I’ve been so anxious lately.  But I’d like to take a moment to list what’s going right.  I want to trust my body, and trust other people too.

trust

It’s hard to trust my body and my health.  I have so many reasons to be afraid.  My dad’s heart attack, strokes, and all his issues from a young age.  My mom’s cancer, her mom’s cancer, and my own eight years of smoking cigarettes as a young person.  The toxic waste dump we lived by.  The stomach ulcer bleed that almost killed me four years ago.

But in a way, the reasons don’t matter.  Something will kill me, but we have no way of knowing when or how.  I can deal with health problems and risks one by one, whacking them down like moles.  And then I might die from a totally unrelated cause.

Health doesn’t actually make sense.  I wish it did.  Our bodies can malfunction in so many ways, some sudden and almost random.  Causes can relate and interconnect, or pop up as bad surprises.

I could die getting hit by a bus, in a car wreck, from cancer, from an aneurysm, kidney disease, Valley Fever, covid, obscure spider bite, lead poisoning, attack on the street, drug reaction, MRSA…  Or a thousand possible weird ways.

Working hard on stomach health, lung health, cardiovascular health, etc could be a good idea.  But only G_d knows what my actual danger issues are, and what will actually get me.

life poison

What matters is–do I love my life?  Yes, I do.  I can love it for one more day, 40 more years, or anything in between.  I prefer 40 more years.  But if I ruin my life with fear, I won’t love it as much.  I would rather deeply enjoy my one day or four more decades, not poison it with fear.

That sounds really judgmental, right?  Is that toxic positivity?  I can control my feeling state only so much.  A lot of people experience difficulty feeling our feelings.  That’s partly why alcohol, weed, movies and tv, porn, psych meds, doom scrolling, and other ways of dissociating, sedating, and numbing ourselves are so common.

I want to have compassion for myself and not hate on me, for being afraid.  Please say a prayer for my well-being.

I don’t like how I focus in on one little issue and forget the vast majority of my life is great.  Here’s that list of what’s going right.  I cultivate an attitude of gratitude.  I’d like to remember how most of my life is great.

what’s going right

Lovely home with respectful people, warmth, good food, community, learning, change.

Kind, beautiful, long term family lover-pumpkin-partner Ming who knows me and patiently cares for me, every day.

Beautiful art made by me and by other people.

Dance, movement, yoga, hugs, self-touch, cuddle from Ming, Parent Earth, the sky.

My ancestors rooting for me from the other side, and ready to welcome me when the time comes.  Not a moment sooner or later.

I made a little orange curtain out of a pillow case.  The curtain we’ve been using is a little too narrow.  So I hope the supplemental pillow case curtain will help.

My cognition is great.

Weekly attendance at the local Friends meeting house helps me feel stable.

I asked for rain, and I got rain.

fruits and more

Bananas, avocados, persimmons, blueberries.  Fruits of all kinds.

I can take a shower, wash dishes for the house, change out the tablecloth and place mats, cook delicious foods, bake apple-pear crisp, and do actual things in the physical world to produce a better life.

Through writing and art, I can help the world in an inner / theory way.  People tell me they enjoy what I post here, and in my zines.

Many people love me.  It’s not only Ming and my ancestors.  I love me.  Lots of friends too.

Singing puts my vibrations into the world.

I’m not afraid of most change.

I model some cool liberations, like fat liberation and disabled dancing.

thank you

Thank you for hearing me about my feeling state, health fears, death, and what’s going right.

I once loved a man who asked, “What’s growin’ on?”  It’s a good question to ask a friend in a garden.  I’m always growing, for sure.  Thank you for supporting that.