the most scary thing about love

Hello, how are you doing?  I’ve been thinking about what’s the most scary thing about love.

trust

This came up for me because I was talking to my new housemate the other day.  He was in the kitchen, and I was in the dining room.  We were sorting some foods, and when he mentioned a decision, I said, “Ok–I trust you.”

“That’s scary, that you trust me,” he said in a joking way.

“Yeah.  Trust is the most scary part of love,” I said.

Then we had some conversation about relationships.  I mentioned that Ming is a very trustworthy person to be close to.  But I’m still learning to trust him 12 years in.

“If he was an asshole, I think I would have noticed by now!” I said to my housemate.  Trauma is really that powerful, to make trust that hard.

the most scary thing about love

Afterward, I was thinking more about love.  I considered that vulnerability might be the most scary thing about love.  Sharing my heart, sharing my writing, even sharing the food I make.

Yes, this is me, to perceive and judge.  In all my brilliance and folly.

Ming and I cooked for the house for the first time.  We made vegan magic pesto pasta, tofu with turmeric, spinach mint salad, and pinquito beans from my homeland.  It was a lovely meal and well-received.  Here’s my plate.  I accidentally spilled the radish bowl, but it was tasty that way.

It’s hard doing my best, being real, and hoping that’s safe.  I carry a fuckton of trauma.  Usually I walk around somewhat armored.  So finding a home where it makes sense to take my armor off is a big deal.  Trust is probably that way for almost everyone.  Where can I relax, and to what degree?

generosity

Then I thought maybe generosity is the most scary part of love.  Giving can be a big deal.  What if my gift is not appreciated?  What if later I regret the giving?

This regret happened to me, with someone I loved deeply and gave a lot to.  Violence accumulated, and the friendship fell apart.  Then later I felt so used.  My misplaced generosity was part of how I was hurt.

dad

Also the generosity idea touches my dad-pain.  He could be generous, especially with physical things.  He gave me my first chromebook for Christmas one year.  Yes, he gave things to Ming also.

And I remember this funny thing he did one time, giving me a bunch of one dollar bills.

“Here, take these.  I have too many,” Dad said.  It was a wad of ones.  They were overfilling his wallet.

I laughed and took the money.  “Thank you!” I said.

He did that with quarters also, I think a few times.  Seemed silly to me, like how could you have too many quarters?  But it was me, he was giving the money too.  Not some random person.  Probably it was a way of showing love.  Yes, his love was often confusing.

Generosity is a way I would like to be similar to my dad.  So then it hurts more when I mess it up.

change

Then I thought maybe the most scary part of love is letting people change me, and the possibility of changing others.

The scary part is the unknown.  You won’t be able to comprehend how someone will change you until it’s already happened.  What if the change isn’t for the better?

And then the other direction, it can be scary to change others because it seems like an intense responsibility.  I like to model unconditional self-love, fat liberation, disability justice, true love, authenticity.  But if I make a mistake influencing someone, maybe it could mar them.

pesto for healing

At the very least, others might be changed by my magic vegan pesto.  Please see the ingredients list, if you would like to try being changed by it too.