Hello, I made this poetry meme this morning, working through relationship pain. This sentence “You treat women like shit” came to me as a clear distillation about a man I loved who used me bad. That’s how he treated everyone. But women more so–especially vulnerable disabled women.
It was one of those, “But I’m a kind person–I’m so helpful to him. He would never do that to me,” situations. Of course he would do that to me. Using people is his whole life plan. Why would he need integrity? How silly I was, to think that if I gave enough, I would prove my worth and be safely held.
I was 100% worthy to begin with. There’s nothing to prove. The problem isn’t that I’m not enough, or I feel too much or need too much. The problem is he doesn’t know how to love.
charm
“Why would I need to give, care, collaborate, or provide anything? The world is full of kind women who will see my charm and a glimmer of care, turn the glimmer into something substantial in their minds, and give me anything,” the player says. Might work for a minute, but most women are smart enough to see what’s happening and take off. It’s the extra-giving, vulnerable disabled ones like me who stick around.
I’m still processing the harm much later. I respect my slow pace. There are many ways to roll it over in my mind and tell the story. But I don’t need to waste more breath explaining. “You treat women like shit” will suffice. I wish the situation were more nuanced and interesting.
The disabled part is just this particular man’s specialty. I’ve learned so much about harm.
what I’ve learned
Listen to behavior, not words.
If he lies to other women, he will lie to you.
The idea “if I give more, I will get more” is a trap. Stop it right now.
Be kind to all people and respect boundaries. But triple check when housing is tied in.
Pay close attention to the power you have over others and how you’re using it. Evaluate seasonally, weekly, daily whether you’re exploiting people. Ask for feedback. Redistribute your power over others like wealth.
If a man disrespects women, don’t stick around to verify that over and over. Walk out the door, hang up the phone, unfriend, ignore, and do whatever you need to do to be safe.
Your energy is precious. Your ancestors worked hard to survive to hand you their gifts. Throwing it all away on an asshole who’s using you is such a waste.
There are kind, honest people in the world who are capable of reciprocal friendship. They can be harder to find. Please figure out who they are, and give your energy to them.
Abusers are so common–they’re all over the place. We can’t get rid of them, so we have to learn how to deal with them. Tell the truth, set boundaries, know your priorities, protect your energy, don’t partner with them, and work hard to transform culture into something functional where deceptive violence isn’t the norm.
healing
Thank you for witnessing my healing. I face and feel the harm I endured bit by bit. Hopefully it will get unstuck. I can be happier, no longer doomed that the harm will fuck up my future.
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