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Dangerous Compassions

things that changed

things that changed

Here are some things that changed about me.  Most are small–some are huge.

meats

When I was a kid, I ate meat all the time.  That was normal in my family.  I liked bacon and tri-tip; I come from a BBQ town.  The cattlepeople would roast meats.

Most meats I was not that into.  Ham I actively despised.

Now I think eating mammals is kind of like being a cannibal.  I have zero desire.  I don’t eat birds either.  Not too keen on trying snake or other reptile.

But I would like a snake tattoo.  Thinking about this often, lately.

colors

I like blue now, some shades–I used to hate blue!  It hurt me, with its boringness.  Similar for red.  I thought red was obnoxious!

Also I used to hate white underwear.  I found them reprehensible.  Now I think they’re not a big deal.  Who cares–it’s just chonies.

gender

I used to judge women for wearing clothing that was revealing.  Before, I thought it was rude, for women to draw attention to their bodies.   I learned that in my family of origin.

Now I see all bodies are valid bodies, and there’s no need to hide.  I wear much different clothing now, and I’m not going to judge women or people of any gender for being comfortable as they are, or for attempting something sexy.  Godspeed to your look!  I hope you get what you’re seeking.

I also used to judge women for being different from me when it comes to feminism.  Now I feel more curious as I realize that most people are really not like me, and that’s ok.

I respect the Mormon women who escape and get free, and I try to respect the Mormon women who stay within LDS too.  I used to judge women who are in controlling d/s relationships, like women who wear collars and walk on leash.  Now I feel glad there are lots of ways to be a person.  That lifestyle isn’t for me at this time, and I wish them the best.

power in relationships

When people say something controlling to me, it used to stress me out.  Now I mostly just laugh.

It’s not like I’m forcing myself to laugh–the reaction comes out of my body.  It’s like–you think you can tell me what to do!  Hahahahaha!

The laughter comes first–then I might think of another response or a plan.  I’m grateful my body erupts that laughter.  Some parts of life are a confusing struggle, but some are clear.

movement

When I was a young child, I was told to sit still.  I sat still for decades.  It was only rather recently that I realized I’m allowed to move about.  So now I move about.  I like my stims!

I used to resist exercise as a dysfunctional diet culture thing that mostly excluded me.  Well, I would go for walks to help my back and my mood, but part of me hated it.

Now I love it.  I see exercise as movement, and it’s a pleasure.  I extract exercise out of diet culture and do it in my own way.  Thin rich people in workout clothes don’t own exercise.  My body is mine, and I can move it mostly however I want.  And I move it every day.

Guilt and compliance with norms have nothing to do with it.  I mostly move for joy.

freedom

Freedom is my number one core value, and admitting that is helpful.  Yes, I’m a lover, and connection is everything to me.  Service is fun, and authenticity is vital too.

But freedom is what I need to make all that possible.  If I love in a way that’s confined, that’s not really love.  The service I do needs to be joyful, or else isn’t not worth doing.

Freedom is about honesty.  Is this really ok with me?  Is it really what I want to do?  So many people painted me into so many corners.  I’m happy to break that pattern and trust myself.

things that changed

I like these things that changed!  A pattern I notice is movement toward looseness.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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