Dangerous Compassions

depth is new


Hello, I’ve been thinking about how depth is new.  To do something once is an experience–to do something for the tenth time is another.  To do something often for 30 years is yet another.

It could look the same from the outside, and the activity could have the same name.  But it could be very different.  Doing something new can be exciting, confusing, dazzling.  Newness can form from repetition as well as novelty.

inner life

I love those things that look the same from the outside, but something very different is happening in the inner life.  I was telling my friend about it.  She speculated that my idea was about mastery.

Yes, I’d brought up the example of playing piano.  The first time it’s just discovery–what is this keyboard?  Why do the notes sound like this?  playing Heart & Soul with kids at school, or plunking on all the black keys, hearing how that sounds.

Then taking lessons, the teacher is in charge of the piano.  It’s no longer your own thing, a toy with schoolmates.  The piano teacher is an authority to please, and might be frightening.  Practicing can be fun, drudgery, a source of conflict, needed structure for your life.

Then again the piano might become your own.  You might play to comfort yourself and have fun with friends.  You might become a professional musician and earn money and your identity with this skill.

In old age, it might become something you bitterly hate, associated with a weird memory, or your hands may hurt too much to play.


Maybe that wasn’t a good example.  Is it mastery?  Maybe just a progression, or a story.

Learning is one of my favorite feelings.  Does it give you a ton of joy, to learn?

Hugging Ming has been many different experieces.  Safety, sexual desire, comfort, everyday family forming, reconcilation, tenderness, love chemicals, reassurance, pleasure, joy.  Depth is new, the depth of our relationship as it deepens and changes.

Ming has been very kind lately, as I’m stressed preparing for the move.  He’s learned how to articulate more.  The love inside him is probably stronger now, and he understands I need to hear about it.  So he explains it better.  Thank you, sweetheart.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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