Dangerous Compassions

women’s feelings

women's feelings

I was thinking about women’s feelings.  Women are called crazy for needing anything, speaking up, objecting to bad behavior, and noticing what’s going on behind the curtain.  For a long time I’ve seen how wrong that is, to be called crazy for our intelligence about emotions and relationships.

I experience men being open to support, care, affection, pleasure, adoration.  Food, sex, help making money, compassion, me patiently listening to them complain about their struggles.  As long as nothing is required of them, most men eat that up.

But when I need something back, I’m crazy.  Or I’m smothering, unreasonable, unrealistic, demanding perfection, or asking way too much.  It’s funny to be criticized for lack of balance in relationship by people who are taking all they can from me.

starving cats

Way too many people are trying to survive with way too little support.  They could stop taking if they were being helped elsewhere.  But most men are starving cats.  They treat women like shit, so real affection is rare, since who will stick around for that?  It becomes a nasty cycle.

Yes, I am crazy.  Anyone would act crazy, from being used like that.  Men want my love, won’t negotiate when I need something also, then turn into harassing stalkers when I walk away.  How dare I walk away, when they’ve done so much for me?


I was thinking how the makeup, fashion, and weight loss industries are maintained by women who are trying to make themselves lovable.  Trying to hold the interest of men who are mostly into the way we look is a lot of work.  And it’s big money.  Not to say all women dress to be lovable by men, or wear makeup or lose weight for that.  But it’s a lot.

The part about women’s feelings that really disturbs me is the idea that we’re catty, jealous, pitted against each other, and this is a huge weakness we have.  “Oh, how petty women are, always infighting,”
I’ve heard.  I’m told that women are so weak in our emotions.

If a woman is angry at another woman, someone hisses or yells “catfight!” and it’s eroticized.  Women’s anger is one more thing to get off on, or it’s amusing.  “Look–the nurturer wants to hit someone.  Look how stupid women are, saying they’re all about love, then wanting to tear each other’s hair out.”


The truth is women are trying to maintain the attention of men whose attention spans are like the attention spans of goldfish.  And woman-on-woman anger can be about anything, but calling someone else a homewrecker or “you stole my man” is common.

Yes, of course she’s angry–she worked so hard to keep that asshole, and he strayed anyway.  It’s easier to be enraged at another woman–so much easier to hate her, than to hate the man who strayed, or blame the culture that excuses it.

The man is portrayed as the victim of his own dick–it’s not his fault he banged the wrong lady.  It’s the lady’s fault for being beautiful, or the jilted lover’s fault for being not good enough to keep him satisfied!  Of course he’s innocent, tossed around by testosterone and emotional cluelessness, when women are the ones who run relationships.  He’s just the victim of biology.  Right?


I reject the idea that women are quick to hate one another, and it’s the weakness of women’s feelings that makes us compete jealously.  It’s actually not about that.  It’s that cis men don’t know how to love.  Women who love cis men are being neglected and harmed.  The trauma from that comes out in all sorts of ways, including lashing at other women.

If men were emotionally functional, honest about what they’re doing, relationship skilled, willing to communicate, and showing up for the people who adore them, women would not be in the position we’re in.  Abundance of dude-love would be a great relief.  Can you imagine the huge collective sigh breathed around the world?  Yes, we can relax now.  Men will actually show up.

How lovely that would be.  I see moms I know try to raise their boys with compassion, patience, respect.  Nonbinariness seems more common, which I love.  Still the boys mostly grow up into men, and they’re players.  Shucks.

Fortunately there are non-men options, especially for women who are queer.  I’m fortunate that Ming is not a man, and he actually wants to be there for people in a responsible way and not use anyone.  Most men I’ve known won’t commit, even with sex.  Ming committed before sex.  He started showing up for me with kindness and doing relationship with me before we even kissed.

women’s feelings

Women’s feelings matter.  I’m done being hurt by people who take all they can from me while giving the bare minimum to keep me strung along.  I’m happy to show up for women, trans, and nonbinary people.  Thank you for respecting women’s feelings, including mine.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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