Would you like to know some things I’ve learned lately? I would consider them conclusions. I experience the world, have reactions, and sometimes it takes me a while to connect dots and decide meaning.
These are things I’ve learned lately, the decisions.
multiply worker time estimates times three
When we were told the electrical work would be four hours on a Saturday, I believed it. They also said our power would be off for about ten minutes toward the end.
You know they were here six days straight, our power was off many times, and one day we came home to our kitchen having no electricity, including out fridge. We were not able to make meals, and it was cold that first Saturday–the elders had no heat, while the power was out. It was supposed to be a very finite thing, and turned into a huge, destabilizing, stressful thing.
If I’d known how hard it would be, I would have decided to leave town. I need a stable home base to rest in. Rest is critical to my well-being, and that’s no joke! The electrical workers being here over and over, without warning, loud in the courtyard, turning off our power, which also turned off the router… It destroyed me, for a while.
So yes, I will multiply times three the time, noise, disruption, and stress. Mistakenly, I believe what people say to me. I will try to remember not to.
use credit cards
Money is an idea. Debt is just a number. Trying to stay debt-free is something I thought would improve my life. But living below the poverty line, I need to get out of town sometimes. Paying for an airbnb with a credit card might be an option.
I’d rather risk errors and enjoy life, than die without debt. There are no kids or legal spouse who my debt could harm. So I want to relax about that.
ask for help and let people in
My friend pulled some cards for me, and one was the five of pentacles. That’s two people outside a church, suffering in the cold, when they could choose to enter the church for comfort and safety.
Oh but wait. What if they’re queer, need access to abortion, don’t do relationships like normal people, and craziness / neurodivergence means they have needs beside the usual? Maybe the church is not a safe place for them.
Well, who knows. Maybe I’m being overly literal. This card is known to be about poverty and lack, but also about rejecting help that’s in plain view and offered.
I want to ask for help, but it’s hard to trust people. I want to let people in and allow myself to be let in, but I feel a lot of risk, in doing that. But I’m working on it.
ritual any time
If I need a ritual, I should do it when I think of it. Waiting for a holiday or a certain moon phase means the ritual might not happen. My energy might be weird–so be it. Just do the ritual, Laura-Marie.
other people don’t understand my needs
I can’t expect people not to be people. Kicking against people not understanding my needs is depressing. It’s not that I wasn’t clear enough–it’s that most people don’t care about anything outside themselves and their narrow range of interest.
Sports, their own children or grandchildren, easy to eat food, comfort, money? One lofty thing maybe, like helping shelter animals, or peace. Otherwise, they really don’t want to do love and care and community. They might say they do, but they’re truly about what’s in it for them.
Most people have not pulled their head out of their own ass far enough to know there are choices other than diet culture, capitalism, patriarchy, mainstream mental health, and over-consumption until death.
So be it. They will probably never know their own actual needs, let alone mine.
Expecting to be skillfully loved is a silly idea. Most people can never even see me, let alone respect me and love me as the person I actually am. They assume I need what they need, which is totally untrue. But nothing I do can help them understand that.
things I’ve learned lately
These things I’ve learned lately hint at better ways to live. I need to be realistic. Wasting energy on hopeless causes–it’s futile.
Maybe you could learn from my mistakes also, reader. Love to your needs and to mine.
