I was talking to my friend about sexuality. I told her how my queerness is like a sparkle.
My queerness and sexuality are part of my energy, spirit, life force–part of my body and my entire being. My sexuality is part of what moves me through the world. So even if what I’m doing is not about sexual pleasure or desire, my sexuality and queerness are part of what I’m doing.
The conversation was partly about identity. But I was telling my friend how for me, my queerness and sexuality as part of all I do isn’t really about identity. I don’t care that much about wearing the label, though I do claim queerness all over the place, now that I’m not afraid of family backlash.
My friend didn’t understand and felt curious. For her, sexuality is a small part of her identity and life. I said I would try to explain better, and maybe I’d write about it.
Why do you want to live? What motivates you? I have work I’m here on earth to do, like building community, speaking my truth, modeling a way of life where love is more important than money.
Then I have animal drives, like I need food, water, rest and sleep, learning, art, pleasure, touch, connection. A sexual drive is part of my life, and I’m glad to have my lovely spouse Ming to enjoy that with, and all the other people who I talk with about sex and who are otherwise involved.
Thank you, people who support me, helping me feel strong to be who I am–all the different aspects of me, including sexuality. Thank you for helping me move toward more and more truth.
Queerness is motivating. I admit it’s part of me and part of my drive toward justice.
I told my friend that queerness is like a sparkle of light on the water. Yes, the water is good. But the sparkle of light almost makes it into a new thing. It adds vibrant importance.
My queerness gives everything else a kick. It enriches, complexifies. It’s like a vein of gold running through a rock. Queerness is a rainbow joy that suffuses everything.
I used to say, “A house without a cat is like a body without a soul.” Queerness is like the cat walking around through the house. It meows, sniffs, makes a mess, wants to be fed, wants cuddle and play. Without queerness, the house could be more orderly and easy. But it would also have less life to it, and less reason to come home.
I grew up being told that sexual pleasure is wrong. Especially for women and girls, sexual pleasure is wrong, because we’re dirty. We’re the messed up people who exist to serve, including with our bodies. Men are the valid, standard people who can drink beer, use drugs, relax, eat the delicious food we make, and use women for all we have.
Nope, those people were mistaken. Sexual pleasure is not wrong. Using people, being a predator, ignoring consent, and violating boundaries–all that is wrong. That’s not sex–that’s violence.
Then Christian people mention sex as an ok thing in the context of marriage. They said sex is a dangerous, powerful force that is only ok within the confines of holy matrimony. It’s sinful unless condoned in this holy way.
Of course, we are intelligent adults and understand that Christian marriage is mostly about a man owning a woman, and control. There’s nothing holy about that. It’s taking a powerful drive and stuffing it down into a defined thing to pretend it’s safe and contained. The woman will be oppressed and overburdened, believing the dream after a white dress and $10k on a ceremony, while the man does mostly whatever he wants.
I say no to that also–no to Christianity, no to childbearing, no to legal marriage, no to the culture that wants my sexuality to be defined, neat, and contained.
My queer sexuality is sacred and free. The real kind of sacred that’s about truth. It’s not owned by my enby spouse Ming. It’s not owned by a religion or by the state. Not by any community or family or culture.
I’m afraid I haven’t explained so well how my queerness is like a sparkle. But maybe you hear these ideas and can make a sense out of it anyway. Thank you to the friend who asked. It’s not a small part of me–it’s everything, or the glitter that coats everything.
But not a messy, annoying glitter that can get in your eye causing eye damage. It’s a sweet, happy glitter that tastes like sugar and makes everything worth it.