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Dangerous Compassions

melatonin

cutie

I tried melatonin before, and it made me feel like a zombie.  Melatonin is a hormone that helps regulate sleep.  I couldn’t get the dose small enough.  Even 1mg tabs knocked me out in a bad way.

Then I had that panic attack recently and lots of trouble getting to sleep.  I needed help.  I considered taking a benedryl, but I had a doctor’s appointment in the morning.  Benedryl takes too long to kick in, then gives me a hangover.

Oatstraw tea helped me before, but I think I got allergic to it.  The last two times I used it, my lips swelled up.  Oh no!  I don’t want my throat to swell up or tongue for sure.  Breathing is my favorite activity.

idea

Eventually I got to sleep that night, six hours after my usual bedtime.  I was ok.  But I had the idea–what if I tried breaking a 1mg melatonin into fourths?  Would I be ok taking that small of an amount?

I told Ming my plan, and he thought it was worth a try.  He offered to cut a pill into fourths for me, and I took him up on it.  My right hand doesn’t work so great, so some two-handed tasks like breaking pills are difficult for me.

Guitar and uke are ok, since right hand is for strumming.  I don’t strum fancy.  As for embroidery, I embroider left handed.  My right hand can hold the hoop.  Ziplock bags are terrible–you have to grip both sides precisely.

To cut the pill, Ming used a knife on a paper plate, and it went ok.

“Here you go,” he said.

“Thank you,” I said.

There was some powder left on the plate.  “I’m going to throw this away, ok?” he asked.

“Yeah!” I said  “Unless you want to lick the plate like a junkie!”

We thought that was funny and laughed for a long time.  Drug jokes are profound, in our family.  It’s a long story.

drug jokes

Ming is disabled by narcolepsy, and he takes pills that are controlled substances.  Even ones that don’t have street value, he has to do a ton of work to get.  He’s sometimes pee tested to make sure he’s taking the drugs he’s supposed to, and not the drugs he’s not supposed to.

After a recent test, the worker told him his results were unusual: he didn’t test positive for cannabis.  “Everyone uses cannabis,” the worker said, mystified.

content warning: mention of violence

My ex had some things to say about Ming.  He said that Ming was a drug addict–that was years ago, but we’re still pondering it.  How could Ming be a drug addict?  Yes, he uses them.  But the drugs are helpful, not the problem.  Narcolepsy is the problem!

I think actually my ex was a drug addict, and he liked to call other people the thing he was.  He also called me angry a lot.  It was puzzling–I think I’m one of the least-angry people I know.  He was the one with road rage, domestic violence arrests and warrants, and who threatened to kill his neighbor in front of me.  He was projecting, for sure.

Ming was a registered nurse a long time ago, so he had a lot of drugs in his life just from that.  Did he want to be a pharmacist at one point?  I think he did.

conclusion

Melatonin is still a lot for me, at a fourth of a 1mg tablet.  I heard it’s good for tummies as well as inflammation, and I wanted it to help me those ways.  But I’m not sure it’s a good idea long term.  Maybe I can find a pill that’s a smaller dose than 1mg and cut that into fourths!

Why is my reaction to melatonin so strong?  Maybe because I have the schizophrenia umbrella thing going on.  People with schizophrenia are low in melatonin, I read.

So maybe my body got used to being low, and that’s why any dose knocks me on my ass.  My body’s like, “Wtf are you doing, Laura-Marie?”  Oh dear body.  I will do my best to be kind to you.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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