Ming is so good at caring for me. Best spouse ever! He listens, reads all my writing, enjoys my art. I love how he cleans the kitchen at night so I can cook delicious foods all day. Zero guilt tripping, zero passive aggressive fuckery. I’ve definitely been partnered with people who were manipulative and had a mean streak. Ming does none of that.
I love how he respects me so skillfully. Yes, that first year, we had to work together, so I could feel his respect. Ming supports my work: to write, make art, care for my body, rap, dance, and cook for the elders who live here. He does his things, but he does a ton of work also helping me do my things. He helps me keep the Las Vegas Radical Mental Health Collective going, fixes the router, buys groceries, takes me where I want to go, and blesses my freedom in so many ways.
Ming is uncontrolling, non-judgmental, and he can feel left out sometimes, but he doesn’t usually get jealous. Yes, he’s an amazing spouse, and so pretty also. His disabilities are work to navigate–I’m happy to. Few people get such a sweet partner as this, with a good heart, who’s willing to do so much to care for me, himself, and our mini-fam.
Logistical care is amazing, but sometimes I wish for Ming to give me more sweetness. I made a list of of ways to emotionally nurture me, so he could see what I’m talking about when I ask for that. He was not comprehending the distinction between logistical and emotional–he saw logistical as emotional.
I’m glad he wants to solve problems and do work to physically help. Definitely I need that, but I need emotional nurturing help too.
I thought you might want to see the list also, ways to emotionally nurture, not to care for me specifically, reader. But in case you have any partner persons or maybe kids or other people you’re really close to, and you’d like to consider ways you might not know that a human could enjoy being loved.
ways to emotionally nurture
- ask if you can hug me
- ask if you can give me a long hug
- just hug me
- tell me something you like about me
- give me a smile
- tell me five things about me you’re grateful for
- hold my hand
- tell me you believe in me
- tell me you’re proud of me
- ask how I’m feeling
- ask if you can look into my eyes for a minute
- tell me I matter to you
- ask me if you can touch my legs
- tell me you prayed for me
- ask me to pray with you
- do a ritual with me
- generate an idea for me
- dance with me
- kiss me
- tell me a memory you like of something we did together
- write me a love note or card
- make me a small art
- tell me you like helping me
- ask me if there’s something healing I would like to do with you
- ask me what projects I’m working on
- tell me a joke you think I would like
- ask me if I need help
- ask me about a health issue I’ve been having
- tell me you did the logistically helpful things because you love me
- ask me what I’m looking forward to
- help me plan something to look forward to
- ask if you could touch my back in a circle
- ask if you can massage my hands
- kiss my hands
- ask how one of my friendships is going
- ask to cook with me a dish I want to eat or you want to eat
- suggest a trip you’d like to take with me
- tell me you like me
- stroke my hair
- thank me for something I did for you
- reply to my txts with loving words
- tell me I’m pretty for you
- tell me a funny story
The list is a work in progress. I put it in a googledoc and invited Ming to edit. So he could add something too.
I like the one about reframing logistical help as emotional. Pointing out that he did the helpful behaviors for love is a cool way to help me see reality better for my well-being.
We have a good life. It’s fun to strengthen our love with intention, this love many people look for but not everyone finds.