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Dangerous Compassions

to my love

Yesterday I was feeling a lot of emotions.  Then for some reason I watched this video and heard this song, To My Love.  I like another Bomba Estereo song.

It was very moving to me, to see the different people dancing, including kids.  Treating kids as valid people is moving.  I see it far too rarely.

These people in an area that’s beachy and warm, dancing so happily, singing about love.  The awkward white guy with long hair.  The lady in the red flowered dress who has a larger body, almost like mine.  A brown guy in a truck.  The dancing baby in the foreground, apart from the dancing couple, with many coconut trees around.

I read the lyrics in English and thought about some of the ideas.  I gave you my love–what more could I give?  And the idea of the night.  Losing someone very very dear.

I was crying and crying.  It made me think of who I’ve loved and lost.  A friend in a tropical place, an exhusband, an artist in New Mexico.

mama

Mostly it made me think of my mom.  She loved to dance, and loved the beach.

How I’ve changed since she died.  She would have loved to see me more happy and growing into who I am.  And I bet she would have loved this video, with the dancing people smiling, including kids.  She was a preschool teacher then preschool director–kids were everything to her.

So many things I wish I could give to her and share with her.  I don’t blame her for anything around her death.  Her over-faith in doctors always bothered me; she would hand over her power.  Her plan for the very end seemed unrealistic.  But mostly, I don’t resent her choices or behaviors.  There was no big mistake, like she refused a valuable treatment.

I remember she was mad at my dad, for his death.  She carried a lot of anger toward him for his health behaviors, including drug abuse.  I watched her struggle with anger.  Watching her being hurt by male family members was a big part of my life–I watched it for many many years, not just pertaining to my dad’s death.

crying at commercials

My mama used to cry at commercials sometimes, when she had PMS.  I remember her laughing at herself for that.  Looking back, it seems misogynist, that she had internalized that PMS and crying at commercials was a weakness.

I believe differently–this world is full of things to cry about.  If a commercial pulls your heartstrings, that’s ok.  You could cry about the commercial when really you need some tears about the safety of your grandkids, fears of the future, or regret about something you might have done wrong.

And hormonal fluctuations are normal–feelings are ok.  Crying is valid.  I’m glad I have a cycle and don’t see things the exact same way all the time.  I feel grateful for a range of emotions, and feelings aren’t less valid when it’s PMS time.

It’s not my PMS time.  Well, I hope you like the video, if you see it.  Love to the people who feel, need, and miss who they’ve loved and lost.

Here’s a picture of me on yesterday’s walk, trying to love eucalyptus leaves.

me

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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