Kind of like how I got full on seeing God as a man, so I needed to switch to seeing God is a woman, and it never felt like time to go back. “Oh, this break from seeing God as a man feels nice. I guess this break will be….my whole life.”
Then I was at Joshua Tree, loving those jojoba plants. Oh, my sacred desert. Jojoba does male and female. I took a small twig from a dead part of a male plant. I held it and sat with it, carefully saw it, kissed it.
That day I considered trying to find more balance, in the gender stuff I was doing. Had I worked through the male relative trauma enough to stop this therapeutic lady-seeing of God? Was this work still helpful? Did I need to make more room for men?
Nope–I drop the twig in the riverbed.
Not like I won’t be kind to men, hug them, or love them also. I’m happy to support men in the Las Vegas Radical Mental Health Collective and here in community. I have a few men friends. Just I’m not going to set up my life to meet men’s needs anymore, at my expense.
I don’t see men worrying about my needs and meeting me halfway, ever. Searching my memory for any man who ever met me halfway. Can’t find one.
I used to think I could be great by serving men who were great. I thought I was nothing, but if I helped a brilliant man, I could at least support his excellence. Holy shit–it was so much work to shift away from that way of thinking. I can’t afford to fall into that again.
Bunny is not a man. Bun is 100% bunny.
I was telling my good friend how I’ll be listening to music on youtube, and it will auto-play for me a man. And I’ll be like, “No, youtube. You don’t understand.”
I stop the song and gently redirect youtube back to women, or close the tab entirely. Hmm! Like youtube didn’t notice all those rappers were lady rappers only!
No, youtube. I don’t need you to broaden my horizons, in that way. I lived the first 25+ years of my life focused on the needs, feelings, violence, thoughts, mentality, weaknesses, and pain of men. Really, I think that was enough.
I fantasize about a slidey, so I could change a setting to women and nonbinary only, for youtube autoplay.
How I lived for your approval. I hungered for your love. I could go about my life watching ants, dancing, cooking delicious potatoes, nurturing myself and others. But part of me, only you could meet. What a shitty job you did, holding what I gave to you. You don’t get to hold it anymore.
- Overnight oats with chia seeds, pecans, and a cut up very ripe nectarine.
- Ming’s understanding, support, and kindness to me, every day. Thank you, sweetheart.
- Good friends who see what I’m doing and help me feel strong in my life’s work.
- Yesterday a new friend came over at 5:30am to go for a walk with me. We saw the pink clouds of dawn and had good conversation. Mixedness, the Trinity test, Mexican vs Guatemalan tamales. Then she wanted to look at the courtyard plants and showed me this cute lil spider with the tiny tomatoes that grow on last year’s tomato plant. “If I’d known you like plants so much, I would have asked you to come over sooner!” I said. She left with three cuttings and an aloe I propagated to give away.
5. I always have myself. God is a woman, and I can be an example of that.