Hey, I finished another patch. I think this one looks really good. I mixed yellow thread with green, then yellow with orange. Looks vibrant.
My friend keeps a zine I made on her altar. I felt loved, when I saw that, and asked her if I could take a picture.
Another friend of ours went out of town for a few days and asked me to water her garden. I feel good about that. She planted a bed with some aloes we gave to her. She asked me if I wanted any sand or a shell from the beach. I said yes, for my altar.
performance
Another friend gave a performance last night, at a restaurant. She’s a musician friend I’ve loved for a long time. We went to support, for fun, and to see how that feels now. It was under-attended at first. Then an hr or so in, the room was roaring with noise.
I was really stressed by being social–over-stimulated. I’d forgotten how that felt, to be in a room full of people. Seemed stupid. What was I risking, for a social thrill? But we are animals who need one another. And I loved the music. It’s confusing.
We met a new friend and their spouse–I adored them. Was I supposed to shake hands, with the spouse? Wow, it was a lot, to decide that in the moment. Consent, negotiating risk, deciding how I want a scene to go, without a good beforehand conversation.
risk
Pulling risk into the Ming and Laura-Marie family is a big deal. He and I share germs. Ming is a senior now, according to some definitions, and has different health risk outcomes than younger people, with covid.
Then I’m a superfat person who’s treated in certain ways by mainstream medical providers. I’m treated extra bad. How often would I get turned, and would thin people be prioritized over me? If resources are low, and I’m considered of little worth, how would I be treated, by overworked people, with no one there to advocate for me? Doctors often believe I can’t be happy, and my life is a waste.
I was awkward and socially confused to begin with. Let alone with shifting pandemic protocols, and vaccines with questionable effectiveness. What do humans in general need, and what do I need specifically?
In a way, taking a year off being social in person was perfect, after my mom died. Being quiet and home, turning within, made total sense for me. I wanted to be in a cave, and it felt like that. But I’m not sure what makes sense now, to be kind to myself and others.
It’s hard to figure risk when many of the factors are unknowns. It was easier to stay home and see no one, unless we were outside, wearing masks, once in a blue moon. Making different choices now is hard. What feels safe?
Well, when did I ever feel safe? How I feel doesn’t necessarily correspond with safety anyway.
what God wants
I wonder what God wants for me. If she exists and thinks of me at all, I believe she’d rather I was with just Ming or alone. She likes me to isolate physically, reducing my stress, but not isolate emotionally or with ideas. She loves me to be close to Ming, but otherwise to listen to an inner voice more than anything. Definitely she likes me to meditate, spend time in nature, and be who I am with less worrying about what other people think.
Often I consider what God would like for me to eat, and I consider her with sleep stuff too. Usually I get the feeling she wants me to make practical choices for my well-being, taking risks more with ideas and emotions, than with the well-being of my body. She wants me to be mostly careful and very nice to my body.
She wants me to eat less sugar and more veg. To smile more and laugh with my whole body, at least as often as I cry. She wants me to dance a lot, walk, ride trike, and sleep abundantly as I can, so I can heal in my sleep and have a beautiful dream.
social self-loss
At a point at the performance last night, I was understanding the appeal of losing myself somewhat, in a crowd. The feeling of, “Oh, wow, I’m out, doing an out thing. Slightly dressed up, letting the world see me.”
Being social in groups has always been difficult for me to tolerate. I ten times prefer one-on-one conversation. The only possible good of being in a group was to meet someone to have a one-on-one conversation with.
I don’t want to be lost. Many people enjoy losing themselves in a movie, but that feeling is really uncomfortable for me. Feels like a drug I don’t want to take. Or like dissociating when I would rather stay in my body.
conclusion
“I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.” — Lord Byron
