When youtube decided to play Into the Mystic, I felt a lot of grief about my mom. Needing someone who is not a living person hurts. Then when it switched to Tupelo Honey, I cried with more force than I thought my lungs could hold. Senseless wail, wordless howl, no longer learning.
Then I went to the dermatologist for the biopsy. I didn’t know an assistant could be so bad at communicating, and I could panic so quietly. The terrible shot. I learned about the tug of being cut into and the feel of being sewn. I’d never been sewn, while I was awake.
I knew the numbing agent would wear off, and I took tylenol. So proud I could manage a short walk with Ming, and we found the golden bullet shell.
I was scared about workers coming to fix the broken window, and we needed to remove everything from that corner of the room. Anxious about preparing, and workers making loud noises for hours.
Ming hurt my feelings, and I was fed up with multiple difficulties. I needed to eat, but he was using the kitchen. I didn’t know the biopsy would be so horrible, or I would need help the rest of the day. There’s not enough possible help. I could say that 90 times.
I feel the world is chewing me up and spitting me out. With no mama, the world is fucking brutal. I have Ming, which is so much. But I’m an emergency. I can’t take the meanness.
Conclusion: Grief, biopsy, anxiety, conflict, anticipation of workers, physical pain, emotional pain, mainstream medicine, medication withdrawal, anguish. All the stuff I’m not mentioning. Zero stars, seriously.
Radish flowers are really beautiful, though. Thank you to Ming for all the love. I appreciate you. I love you.
