Been having some health issues. I will not tell you all about them. Even if I tried, your head would just spin. I have a weird body, is my conclusion.
Yesterday I got nauseated, amid a bunch of other issues, and I felt worried about that. Normally I have a big appetite, and I don’t get barfy. I felt nauseated, but also a weird clarity.
Ming was driving us home, and we were stopped at a red light. I was looking at the street. The windows were rolled down because the fresh air helps me, when I feel barfy.
I was looking at the road, and suddenly it looked really beautiful to me. The way the black road was made of little rocks. The rocks were so beautiful in their individuality, but also how they make a great path or great conveyance.
And I was like–why did I never realize how beautiful the road is?
The barfy feeling was mixed with the clarity. Almost like I was high, or maybe dying. I felt some realization of how death, clarity, illness, beauty, and enlightenment could be all mixed together.
So then I thought I might by dying, which I didn’t want to do. Kind of like that William Carlos Williams poem I’ve liked for a long time, about his mom dying. But the opposite.
Then I thought I might be pregnant. It’s so unusual for me to feel barfy, and my period’s late. So the death, the potential for new life. My mom’s death, my own. A baby who could be.
Then this truck in front of us started to befoul the air with yuck exhaust. I was having a problem because I needed outside air, but I needed it to be clean.
“What if the world makes me sick?” I asked Ming.
He nodded. He knew what I meant.
“Why is that exhaust so yuck?” I asked. “Maybe there’s a problem with the engine. Maybe that guy is friends with the smog worker, and the smog worker gives him a pass.” I tried to imagine the problem with the engine.
“Exhaust is exhausting,” Ming said.
I thought about exhaustion. “Or the world doesn’t make me sick–the city makes me sick.”
Ming made a caring sound.
“I’m turning into one of those hippies,” I said. I imagined myself needing to live in the country.
The goddess temple is where Ming and I used to go, to rest from the city. I needed a couple days away from city bullshit to get ready for anonymity, bustle, good groceries, and Indian food again. But things changed at the goddess temple.
Thank you for loving me and my weird body. I ended up going to urgentcare yesterday and found some stuff out, including that I’m not pregnant.
I feel way better today. All the issues I was having seem ok. I have new issues now!