Dangerous Compassions

what Ming thinks about

excellent spouse
[Middle aged Asian person smiles cutely in a house. He wears a shirt that says Beet the System and an orange head covering.]
What Ming thinks about.  Hmm.  He self-reported, but I think he’s a bit mistaken.  I will now tell you what he thinks, actually, according to my guesses based on living with him for eight and a half years.

my wellbeing

Ming is the nicest person.  He is a really excellent spouse especially.  With other people he can be a bit moody and much less attuned.  But he is very attuned to me, and looking out for my well-being.

He’s always helping make sure I have what I need.  He’s very open to grocery shopping, making sure we have paper towels and other home products.  Waters the garden, takes out the trash, and tends to the dishes faithfully.

Yesterday I was sleeping after a shower, and he’d turned the space heater on for me, in the bedroom.  He came into the bedroom to check on me as I slept and turned off the heater for me, so I wouldn’t wake up hot.  Wow, that’s service!!!

Listening, he is open to hearing everything I say, bar nothing.  He reads everything I write too–the blog posts, zines, even txts I show him, poems, lists, odds and ends.  He looks at all the art I create and makes appreciative noises.

When I ask for advice, he gives me advice.  He’s super insightful and experienced, and he uses his intelligence for the forces of good.

He’s also super patient, seeing me go through my errors, pains, and fears.  Supporting me without controlling me.  He gets the balance just right.  I didn’t even know that was possible–I had never experienced that before.

medication, narcolepsy, ocd stuff, doctor-age

Narcolepsy is a full-time job, and ocd is like the evil part time job that’s almost killing him.  But neither pays well, really!  Where’s the union on that.  I’m calling OSHA.

Ming is managing meds, writing down when he took what, wrestling with asshole doctors, and phoning over and over the mysterious desk people.  He’s calling specialists, making appointments, visiting offices, peeing in a cup, and visiting the pharmacy to risk his life in line, hopefully not catching covid.  (Controlled substances can’t be mailed in the mail, like regular uncontrolled substance prescription meds can be.)

He’s managing others’ judgments, expectations, and misunderstandings.  He’s dodging advice he heard the 100th time and processing hearing insensitive shit like, “Oh, I wish I could sleep all the time!”  Wow, some people are really lucky, not to know what a disability is.  Good luck when you figure that out!

Falling asleep a bazillion times, and trying to get stuff done when he doesn’t know where he is, let alone what he’s doing.  Riding the waves of medication effectiveness.  And paying for all that.


I used to do all the cooking.  Then I was in the hospital with that ulcer last year and almost died.  When I was released, I could barely do anything for quite a long time.  Ming learned how to cook really quick.  He does a cool version of cooking.

Nowadays he and I eat different things a lot.  I don’t eat bread, tortillas, soy, regular pasta, tomatoes in any way, spinach, avocados, eggplant, strawberries, olives, pizza, aged cheeses, chile peppers, anything canned or jarred, anything with natural flavors or other additive stuff.  So many many foods I used to live on!

As a result, Ming has learned to do much more fending for himself.  I can’t eat restaurant food anymore.  But I encourage him to get takeout, when he wants to.  I suggest he get a burrito, pho, Chinese food, Ethiopian I don’t make anymore.

Often times he’ll mention to me, “I don’t know what to eat.”  I’ll suggest some leftover thing, a food we have a surplus of, or something that seems easy.   Something he hasn’t had in a while.

He’ll often say, “I think I want something crunchy.”  Or he’ll say, “I think I want some fruit.”  He eats a lot of fruit–he loves standing by the sink, washing fruit, and eating it right there, out of his hand.  Tons of blueberries and grapes, mostly.

the wellbeing of people and orgs he loves

He’s doing work for NDE every day, thinking about street medic stuff, going through papers in the office.  Sometimes he calls his mom, thinks about his kids, thinks about friends.

We discuss something someone said, and was it offensive, or what did they mean by that?  We talk about the choices others make, and if we would make choices like that.

He did a Project Sleep interview, some months ago.   He does work for the Las Vegas Catholic Worker every week and has a ton of facebook friends.  Over the years, he’s met a bazillion people, through activism, nursing, community, permaculture, couchsurfing.  He remembers many of them, and their names.

media choices

Ming looks at current events on wikipedia and reads books.  He writes icons and does other art.  He listens to horrible music, like video game soundtracks and mainstream country.  Yuck!

He watches movies and super hero shows, when I’m not around, using headphones.  Also he enjoys learning about all different stuff, including his CEUs, but mostly history, health, technology, inventions.


This is long enough–I’ll end here.  Now you know more about him than you ever knew you didn’t know.  Glad I told you what Ming thinks about.

I will leave you with my awestruck wonder at how unlikely Ming is.  A middle-aged love anarchist narcoleptic Chinese-American pagan Jew who listens to mainstream country music and writes icons.  What a special catch.

I am very lucky to have his brilliant love and see this maximum cute person every day, in my home, as my family.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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