Fall without my mom is pretty ridiculous. Today feels like the first real fall day, and I’m crying, that she is not on earth with me. It feels really stupid, like too much to ask. How could I have fall without her?
The coolness, sweaters. The smell of pencils being sharpened. Trees losing their leaves, cold wind, changes. Crunchy leaves to step on, leaves in the gutter. I love the gutter.
Nestling into the earth, somehow, like a healthy acorn, getting ready to grow into a tree. Relaxing into readying for winter. Relaxing into jackets, tea, bed, blankets. Snugly coziness. Coming out of the ordeal of summer, into better life.
Yeah, I need my mom. The wheel is turning, and she is not alive in the world. I want to stop the wheel from turning, as if I could find her alive again. I feel angry the year keeps going.
She was kind of the best. Or her love was kind of the best. Ming is really good at love, and my bestie, and my other bestie. I want to believe in that.
But Mama was easy to believe in, basic as the ground beneath my feet.
I’m wearing today this necklace I like, but almost never wear–a goddess necklace, simple on a black cord. I asked Ming to take my picture.
“Do you want me to hold these chiles?” I asked. They became my mini bouquet.
I bought this necklace in Halcyon, a tiny town which is / has an intentional community, near my homeland. There’s a cool post office gift shop, where you can pick up some propaganda of the community, by the door.
Stickers, sage bundles, little bags for hippies, art. They had a bunch of goddess necklaces, and I bought this one, to feel Mother God close to me. Like most of my jewelry, it’s more of a toy or curiosity than a thing to actually wear all the time.
But today, I wear it. Ming’s been eating our chiles, and I tried a tiny bite of one, this morning. “Is it hot?” I asked beforehand.
“No,” he said.
I took a bite. “Wow!!!” I said.
“Is it hot?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “It tastes like…freshness!”
By the way, I think soulmates / twin flames is bullshit. In case you’re doing a study or taking a survey. Fuck that idea. No way in hell is there one person who I’m supposed to be with or connected to eternally through multiple incarnations or shit like that. NO WAY!
Everyone is my soulmate, or no one is my soul mate. I don’t need ideas like that to tie me to anyone. I can be tied to many people, or no people.
For me, being a human and being social is about freedom. So don’t you dare start telling me some trapping shit about us being bound forever, on multiple dimensions or some nonsense. I’ll have none of that.
I’ll connect with you now, and communicate with you to the best of my ability, enjoy pleasure, care, and aftercare. Listening is my favorite, and touch, learning, being in nature, doing love. But the mystery of me, you will never know. The mystery of love.
Thank you for coming to my Wed Talk. I’m wed to Ming, joyfully, and if we don’t have joy together anymore and decide to part, we are ok doing that. Our relationship is at will!