anger time

I’ve been angry today, tons in the morning, but some more recently also.  Not wanting to be blamey.  But here are some angers.

yuck

1.  I feel under-communicated with, that I’m in an interplay with some people who need to keep me posted, and they don’t always keep me posted.  Seems irresponsible.  They probably don’t know how left in the dark I feel, how much they matter to me, and our shared projects matter to me.
2. Too much noise–need more alonetime, silence, quiet.  Noise stresses me the fuck out.
3. Physical pain wears me down and makes me angry too, or depletes my patience, so it’s easy for me to get unhappily reactive.
4. Medical bullshit of being less cared for and considered, because of my demographics–the lie that I’ll get what I need if I ask for it.  And the judgment of others, that the medical system works for them, so if it doesn’t work for me, that means I didn’t try hard enough.
5. Low energy makes it hard for me to cook sometimes, and then I have fewer options of what to eat; if I don’t eat, my energy gets lower.
6. People I love buy into certain scams of culture, and it hurts, watching them believe a bunch of bullshit and waste their lives behaving accordingly.
7. Having trouble making decisions, wanting too many things that don’t go together, feeling stuck mid-decision on 50 things.
8. Lack of set options that work for me meaning I have no make my own path about so many things.  It’s really time consuming.  In a way it’s a pleasure, but sometimes I wish I could go a normal route I didn’t have to create.
9. Feeling misunderstood, illegible, under-considered, underappreciated, unknown, dismissed, misseen, and unimportant.
10. Trying to function with very flawed tools, like needing facebook to promote events and my writing, but wrestling with facebook’s failures.  It crashes every time I try to post a photo to the LVRMHC page, for example.  Or it took me a year to understand the difference between a page and a group.  Why struggle with that?  The whim of a designer gives me a year of confusion.  Feels annoying.
11. My desk is so messy.  I want to love the mess and accept it, and it’s always changing, not a dead zone, but it’s embarrassing and confusing.
12. My computer has so many quirks at this point that it’s more quirk than not-quirk, but I can’t handle shopping for a new one, so I put up with it and get more frustrated.
13. Needing help and not knowing how or who to ask for it.
14. I overgave, then feel like pulling back–tired of that cycle.  Feeling vulnerable and not met halfway.  I’d rather be somewhere in the middle, smartly choosing who to engage how, not caring for others like crazy, and then pissed off and isolating.
15. Good intentions can be hard to follow through with.
16. Contingencies stack up, complex nets of contingencies that overwhelm me, so I feel like giving up and avoid the whole thing.
17. Mean things people said to me years ago that still hurt so much.  Feeling angry at myself for still hurting.
18. People miss facts that seem super obvious to me, and I’m tired of the denial and lack of insight, and many subjects I’m not supposed to talk about.  I feel alone in my understanding, and it hurts.
19. Capitalism, pollution, military industrial complex, money being more important than life.

Thanks for hearing my pain.  Now I will tell you some happy stuff.

happy

Ming bought me a #0 paintbrush, which is sweet.  He took my picture next to this mural of Bob Ross.  I never saw his show, but he seems nice.

Some friends are supporting me kindly and in ways that feel right.  Thank you, friends!

I’m well enough to do a lot of what I want to do, like walk, ride trike, eat delicious foods, communicate, sleep, take a shower every day.  Wow, it’s a good life, in that sense.

I made art today for a new zine.  The art–I was looking at this book on doing henna tattoos, so I was seeing what designs appealed to me and copying the ideas, but putting my own spin.  I really like some of what I came up with.

My messy desk is kind of a treasure stash, and it shows me I have a lot of ideas and projects.  I’m never at a lack of projects, especially the half-finished weird amazing projects.