Dangerous Compassions

my peeps were bombed and all I got was this stupid blog post

Hey, guess what. My peeps who were bombed over in New Mexico–it’s disturbing. It’s not my past, but it affects me a lot. My mom’s mom dying at age 52 of lymphoma was not a chance thing. The government hurt a lot of people, said oops, and fled. Here’s some info about it.

It’s not ok. And then a lot of money was set aside for downwinders, but the New Mexico ones didn’t get it. There’s a movie some want to make about it. I donated $20–a token. I would like if more people knew about it.

Learning all that, it’s like discovering a continent I didn’t even knew existed. I’m like–whoa. Do I ever want to go there? It complexifies everything of my life, casts a weird glow. Did I want life complexified?

Too late now. I had a dream 15 years ago, about white nuclear ash falling from the sky. I don’t know how I learned that. Maybe when I was a kid, in social studies class, they showed us a movie.

Kinda weird I moved to the desert to do nuclear abolition work, and it was years later that I learned this thing about what happened to my family.

I have a lot of projects. I like being in motion; long ago, I felt very stuck. Nowadays, things change a lot.

I wish I was in Albuquerque with Ming, at that hostel we stayed at, looking out the window at the rain, at that park across the street. The old timey radiator made that weird sound. I needed to stay indoors a lot and feel all my feelings–so much was changing inside me.

I barely went anywhere. Ming got delicious soup from a cafe down the street. I ate bananas and avocados in the little kitchen. I couldn’t do almost anything because I was so busy with inner work.

That’s how I feel now too. I poke around on the family tree website and can only do a few minutes before I’m overwhelmed. Today I learned the names of a bunch of my peeps. I can even see their photos, thanks to the work of other people, maybe distant cousins.

I’d like to go back to Albuquerque and stay for a long time, sublet or housesit for a while, venture out and see some sights. Sit in that park and learn if the birds are different, look at trees, talk to the sky.

Will covid ever end? Can we travel again? Will it be like a depressing post-apocalyptic movie outside, then? I’m getting nostalgic.

But at least pants are less necessary now. Let’s look at the bright side. We don’t have to wear bras anymore. If this is reality, I’m going to enjoy it.

Ming picked these beautiful figs for me. “I like you very much, right now,” I told him. They were so delicious.

Kinda like the other day when he said something to me in Latin. I was like, “Did you just say something to me in Latin? Are you trying to seduce me? It’s gonna work!” Yes, the key to my heart is dead languages, and he knows it. I think it was a Latin joke, in fact. That’s above and beyond the call of booty.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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