I asked my darling to guestblog for me, first time on this site, and he said yes. Then I hogged my computer much of the day. So here I am at 8:15pm, beginning my morning post as he sleeps in bed.
Been thinking about how anger and anxiety are very similar, for me. I’ve said anger feels like a type of anxiety. I ask other people if they feel that way–they say no.
I made a list today of how they’re similar to me. Physically they feel similar–hot, scary, heart poundy, like I’m trapped in my body as it does something extremely uncomfortable I don’t want it to be doing.
I thought both cut me off from people–both cause me to retreat and isolate. Both make me want to walk away, end relationships, say no.
One time a friend I love asked earnestly, “How are you feeling, Laura-Marie?”
“I’m really anxious lately,” I told her. I had barely dragged myself to the event I was showing up for–I was barely functional, fucked up with anxiety.
“Don’t be,” she said. I felt shocked she was telling me not to feel the way I felt. I considered her instruction, something like thought dropping. She was speaking from love, not wanting me to suffer.
But if I’m anxious, that’s a strong message from myself to myself. Not feeling it is kind of impossible, looking the other way or pretending I don’t feel it.
Anger and anxiety are both telling me something’s not right. I need to make a change–something in my life is not sustainable. That’s a valuable message.
When it comes to relationships, continuing something bad for me is not the solution. Learning to cope with abuse is not my goal. A lot of people see anger and anxiety as bad emotions I need to get rid of asap, but my feelings are self-protective.
People who judge me and hate on me for being angry are usually the people who are trying to control me. They would like me to pacify myself, which I’m not going to do–my anger is telling me to get away from assholes like them.
Anger and anxiety are trying to solve the problem of denial. I could tell myself, “Everything is fine here,” but anger and anxiety won’t accept a lie. They well up in my body to make me face the truth when it’s not a good time.
If I can heed difficult feelings and make a life for myself that’s happy and I’m doing what I really want to do, then that’s ultimately good for relationships and being vulnerable to people–I can have my energy budgeted how I really want to spend it, and connect with the people who are worth it.
I got a huge etsy order today of charms and jewelry making stuff. I smile at these little wrenches and pretty wolf heads. Love to all!