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Dangerous Compassions

happy inter-dependence day from a fat badass

“Who the hell sets off fireworks at 5:20 in the morning?” I asked. “Seems an awkward time.”

I was making potatoes. I washed the organic potatoes Ming bought for me, diced them with the big knife on the white plastic cutting board, plopped them into the wok with olive oil, the heat on as high as it goes, and fried those potatoes till they were done and somewhat browned. Then I added garlic salt, black pepper, smoked paprika, and cumin.

I thought the people who were up all night go to bed around 5. And the regular people are sleeping till 8 or 9 or whatever. I’d been up since before 4 am, as I’m a weirdo who loves dawn, and I need to go outside when it’s cool enough to go outside, in the desert. And my sleep schedule is weird.

Happy inter-dependence day. I’m celebrating by trying to do something nice for Ming, and I have a fat liberation meeting at 11. I actually completed the homework. Wow, I’m a fat badass.

For inter-dependence day last year, we went to the cafe at Writer’s Block, and there was an earthquake. I felt that anxious yuck feeling, dizzy and wrong, and then I was like–oh, it’s not just me. Everything is moving. The chandelier was swaying. The people at the next table kept conversing, didn’t seem to notice.

Yep, those earthquakes last year were pretty wild. Felt important. And I wrote that zine Ancestor that was partly about the earthquakes. But no one gave me any feedback about that. I guess nobody liked it. Oh well–I loved it enough for the whole world.

This morning I was thinking about some relationship quotes I like, that I read yesterday. I really loved: Do yourself a favor and take mixed messages as a no. I also loved: Stop romanticizing the people who hurt you.

Yes, thanks for the idea–I will. I want to romanticize Ming, who doesn’t hurt me almost ever. He’s skilled, brilliant, pays attention, is very motivated to be nice to me, and finds joy in kindness to all. His values and behaviors are together.

So yeah, I want to be independent from people and things that use my energy for no good reason, and be inter-dependent with people who are kind. Sounds like a plan.

I would like to shed any old hatred I hold toward myself. Fat liberation to me is about hate loss, freeing up misused energy to work for justice for all. And seeing that even if 90% of people find my body reprehensible in whatever way, I feel sorry for them, and I’m not going to waste my energy hating them or my body anymore.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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