you can’t make me hate you

I have friends, and I love them. Can you blame me? What is life for, if not to love? Mother God gave me this wild brain and active body. It has hormones and feelings. I’m a mammal. I reach for other mammals, to hold them in my arms and against my body, to kiss and help, if I can.

I store trauma in my body also. My body is filled with lessons. I’ll take time to learn them, though who has time, to hear the body?

I had a friend I loved–Ming and I saw her almost every day. I trusted her with my life. We worked together on community solidarity projects. Our lives were intertwined.

Then she was accused of doing a horrible thing. I was expected to drop her immediately and renounce her, because of the accusation of someone I didn’t know, had seen around but never even had a conversation with.

Who would drop their best friend in an instant? Do you have a life where you do that to people? It took me and Ming two months or so, to look at the situation, disentangle our life from our friend’s life, and figure out what to do.

For staying friends with this person two months longer than others did, we were blamed, shunned, considered bad people. No one asked for our side of the story, what we did or didn’t do.

Community bullies took the opportunity to defame us. Attempts at reconciliation were denied. We live with the results of this every day, the consequences of loving someone who was accused of doing a horrible thing, and how we were loyal to her for slightly longer than others were.

Then I loved someone else, and he become part of our family. He was an unusual person, and he would play with the little kids in his apartment complex. He was a cis-man, and society asks cis-men not to play with kids, right? They’re assumed to be child molesters, and kept from kids a lot, unless the man is a dad or other relative, as if that would stop them from harming a kid.

My friend played with a little girl in the complex. The kids were ignored a lot, outside for hours with no supervision. The kids loved this energetic adult to run with them, tease them, shake their hands. The kids would climb on my friend’s back. It was physical, but innocently–I fully believe, he did nothing bad to those kids.

The dad of the little girl decided this play didn’t “look right,” and asked my friend to stay away from his kid. There was never an accusation of any wrong behavior–the dad of the kid just said it didn’t “look right.” Then the dad stopped being allowed to have contact with his kid and was no longer in the picture.

But that was enough. My friend was considered a deplorable person. There were other accusations also, and he was no angel, that’s for sure. But he was not a child molseter.

Rather than ask what really happened and get information, people assume things. It’s way easier to condemn and pull away. Ming and I again were considered bad people for harboring a bad person. We were supposed to abandon our friend at the moment of him being accused, and we didn’t.

It hurts how quickly someone I had a sweet friendship with can turn against me, based on rumor. I believe in building bridges, connecting with who I can. I’ll talk with almost anyone. I don’t regret anything I did. I don’t have a bad feeling in my body about those decisions to love. I’m sorry to people who were hurt, but I didn’t do a wrong thing, by being loyal to my friends.

Loyalty doesn’t mean I would not look at facts and make careful decisions–loyalty means giving someone the benefit of the doubt, listening, caring. The love is real.

Perfection isn’t real. Jesus didn’t sit with the perfect angels–he came to earth, and he sat with people who did bad-considered things. He taught us about redemption, forgiveness, authenticity. His heart was open. You don’t need to fill out an application and prove you deserve love. Love is the default–it’s for everyone.

I’m not really big on Jesus, but I like how he did that. Sexworkers are my favorite people. I have penpals in prison–I don’t really care what someone did 30 years ago on a really bad day. I’ll not marrying him–I’m just writing him a letter. I can brighten his week by putting pen to paper for 20 minutes–no problem.

Ming and I like doing service and taking responsibility into our own hands. That’s why we do the street medics and local radical mental health collective. We serve the hungry with the Catholic Worker and make peace as well as community, with Nevada Desert Experience.

I was talking to our friend who also does a ton for community–he lives his values by helping out with some of the same groups we do. He has a kind word for me whenever he sees me. He has enthusiasm and care.

He’s not perfect, in that he says a comment that might be offensive or hurtful to someone, from time to time. He’s made mistakes like everyone has. But he’s done amazing good in my life and Ming’s life, and for many other people too. He doesn’t just show up for himself, or himself and his relatives–he shows up for homeless people, hungry people, peace, community. He’s someone I trust and deeply love.

We were talking about local activism. I don’t go out a lot, to parties and other events, especially now with a pandemic. I wasn’t at a protest where something bad happened, or a party where a dramatic event occurred. I got confused, and mentioned a local powerful activist. “Oh, do you two hate each other?” I asked.

“I don’t hate anyone,” my friend said. It was a big thing to hear. I might say someone hates someone as a shorthand–not like in your heart you wish them ill will–just that the relationship is conflict, there are hurt feelings, and you’re not enjoying one another’s company.

I appreciated my friend’s distinction. What a good example, of not hating. He was treated like Ming and I were. Guilty by association. Well, he was accused of some things himself also. But again–no one asked for his side of the story. He was vilified, and people went along with the bully vilifying him.

Powerfully bullies are a weird phenomenon. They can get people to do things and have a following. But most people aren’t stupid–they see what’s happening. They start saying one thing to the bully, because they’re afraid, and another thing to everyone else. The bully can lose some ground, as they alienate tons of people, in an “off with their head” situation. I’m not interested in controlling anyone but myself. What a waste of time.

I believe in nonviolence. My body wasn’t made to hurt people–my body is to love. I hear activist friends talk about violence, shunning, anger-motivated ideas. “We can’t support so and so”–a certain politician, celebrity, or organization. But what does it mean, to support?

I used to hate the Catholic church with the burning fiery intensity of a thousand suns. Now I’m a non-Catholic Catholic Worker and live with Catholics–Ming and I have been doing this more five years. I’m not going to give money to the Catholic church or believe in particular values I find harmful, but I will support compassion and the Works of Mercy all day long.

I want justice with all my heart. But I don’t see punishment work very well. That’s an understatement! The prison industrial complex, a parent hitting a kid, revenge of any kind. If a friend hurts me enough, I’ll stop being their friend, if I have to. But it’s not about punishing anyone–it’s about keeping myself safe and doing what I need to do to stay functional.

Today I heard for the first time the sentence “you can’t make me hate you.” I like that idea.

I hate celery, water chestnuts, and jicama. I hate certain ideas. I hate illness and suffering, I guess. But I don’t want to hate any people.

Sometimes I want to give up and leave town. My projects might do better, in a town where I haven’t been accused of shit. But bullies are everywhere, and the same things probably happen everywhere. We might as well stay here, with the communities we love, at least as long as we can take desert summers.

If being loyal to a friend is what I did wrong, hopefully people can see that and use their critical thinking skills to know, that’s a pretty weird crime I committed. I’m loyal, I believe in love, I hope for redemption, and I’m doing my best to live a life of service and pleasure. Caring for myself so I can be kind to Ming and my communities, and so I can continue helping others.

I heard the sentence “you can’t make me hate you” in this interview with Ruby Sales. https://onbeing.org/programs/ruby-sales-where-does-it-hurt/

This blog post is brought to you by the letter M for Ming and the lucky number 23. Thanks for listening to my Bed Talk. Please pay it forward by haranguing your friends with how you try to help the world and pictures of you on your trike also, should you be lucky enough to have a trike. Love to all.