I like extremes–I can find a lot of learning there. Intense experiences, so informative–quick insight from terrible or terribly wonderful times. I’ll take it.
But some things, I need middleness. A great pain of my life was hating myself a lot, and then switching to thinking highly of myself. I’d prefer to be an ok person.
I was a kid who was considered smart. I could be conceited, when I was in the highest reading group, or did this or that feat, skipped seventh grade math, got straight a’s when I was little.
I was conceited to get a Master’s degree, mostly because I almost didn’t graduate from high school and was told I would never get through my first year of college. It was a haha kind of feeling–yeah, you’re doing some shit job, living with some asshole who’s a jerk to you, while I’m getting a Master’s degree and teaching, in academic bliss. I’ll wave to you from my window in the ivory tower. Hello down there!
How blissful it was is…debatable, really! I encountered a department run by white guys, and there was so much I was too damaged to do. I didn’t know what grad school was for. I thought it was for learning–silly me.
But mostly I thought I was worthless. I thought I didn’t deserve to use resources, was completely ugly and unlovable. If anyone showed a moment of care toward me, I could cling on that really hard because it was so rare. I had social struggles and still do, though I’m social all the time, now.
Yesterday I had a fear attack about a medical need. I was tying myself up in knots, trying to figure out if I should call my doctor. My fear was about medical phobia and low spoonage for dealing with doctors, but mostly I felt I didn’t deserve help.
I felt an intense worthlessness, like medical care was too good for me. I felt like a gutter bug. Why would a speck of dirt go to the doctor? I couldn’t believe I deserved anything.
It was a horrible time, and Ming helped me. I was able to call, txt pics to my doctor, and he prescribed a medicine I don’t think I’ll use–pretty typical, for a medical experience, for me, at least during covid. I get seen, I get diagnosed, I’m prescribed something I’m too scared to use. Repeat.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you, I’m working on seeing myself as something in the middle. It doesn’t help me to be conceited, though I’m 43 but read at a 53 grade reading level. What would that be? All political science and Ulysses, all the time. Hahahahaha!
I would like not to hate myself, but I don’t want to falsely aggrandize myself either. Both of those places are not where I want to be.
trike pics as spiritual practice
Ming takes all these pictures of me on my trike as spiritual practice. I used to hate my picture taken. I refused to be in pictures. I hated myself / my body so much, there are years with no picture of me.
I went years without looking into mirrors. Zoom is hard mostly because I have to see my own picture, and I’m struggling with wanting to smash it, honestly. Sometimes I turn the camera off, but people don’t like that.
Anyway, I’m trying. That’s what I’m trying to say. Thanks for holding my hand though the computer as I try to be an ok person. Thank you.