I’m doing ok, feeling a lot. Trying to love myself and give myself credit. Sometimes I wish I could suck back into myself a lot of the love and energy I’ve given to others. Like a snail that feels unsafe so retracts its antennae back, and goes inside its shell.
Love they didn’t want or didn’t know what to do with. Energy I didn’t know I needed for myself until I was totally horizontal and nonfunctional. I look up and months have passed of giving so much, when I never intended that. I thought it was a week or so.
It’s confusing because I get mad at myself for oversharing, but I also love that about myself. It all depends on my mood, how strong I’m feeling when I look at all.
I woke up in the night super sad and filled with anger toward myself, and it didn’t make much sense. Like a dream had hurt me, but I forgot the dream. Ming listened to me and helped me. I txted the friend who gives.
Yesterday I had a zoom that used up all my spoons. I felt angry about that. Angry at who? My default is myself. Why didn’t I leave after one hour, or how did I get myself in a role of so much emotional labor. I needed to make dinner, it was too hot, I was so tired.
Sometimes I feel like the designated feeler. How did that happen? Someone intentionally tries to squick me in the meeting. He likes to see me put my hand over my face, a big react. In a way, I don’t mind doing it. But in a way, I needed those spoons for the rest of my day.
He reminds me of the kid at the beach who sees a flock of birds on the shore and runs to scare them up, up into the air. The kid laughs, feeling like God, maybe. I can do things–I can cause a reaction. I’m the powerful one who can bother birds.
The kid has so little power. I relate to the parent who yells, “Leave those birds alone!” to no avail. I relate to the birds, who are just trying to do bird things. I relate to the kid, who wants to make something happen. I relate to the ocean, moved by the moon and filled with life.
But I can’t help but wish the kid had more power. If the kid had more power, maybe they could leave the birds alone.
Or maybe it’s just human nature. Seeing lots of birds take off into a bird cloud is pretty cool. I’ve seen in a thousand times, but maybe the kid only saw it three times. It can be an overwhelming feeling. Maybe the kid wants to be overwhelmed in a way they can control.
Yeah, a kid version of an adult power play / sensory play you might be familiar with. Or how people jump out of airplanes. I’m going to take a little risk to get a big feeling. It’s ok I guess but expensive.
I’m just waiting for the sun to come up so I can ride my trike again.