A long time ago, I saw this thing on facebook that was like, “I knew I was healing my relationship with my ________when I _____________.” I liked it and printed it out to remind me to try it.
Finally I gave it a try. I did four rounds.
I knew I was healing my relationship with my past when I felt stronger in my present.
I knew I was healing my relationship with food when I felt more loose, free, lighthearted, happy, relaxed, comfortable, and willing to try new things regarding food.
I knew I was healing my relationship with my body when I left myself move however I wanted to move.
I knew I was healing my relationship with my booty when I shook it.
I guess the one that interests me the most is the third one. I felt really constricted about my body for many years. I had super restrictive ways of treating my body, like to stay safe, I needed to act a certain way that brought zero attention to it.
Now I let myself move different ways, I wear tank tops and other clothes I wouldn’t let myself wear before, I wear different colors, I let myself wiggle more and touch my own hands, arms, tummy, chest, forehead in comforting ways. I like it.
I wanna be like my way of drawing is valid, a style that can be an ok style, but I’m not sure? It definitely represents something. There can be a feeling. I wanna say it’s outsider art and I can do it. Or it’s better to try and fail–bad art is better than no art. Hmm, still deciding.
One time someone told me, “The only way someone can’t draw is if they don’t draw.” I felt judged kind of harshly by him. If I was too scared to draw, that had to to with the world being pretty mean to me, and my resources getting used up by unwanted bullshit of life.
I wanted to tell that art guy, “Hey, I’m trying!” Sometimes when I start trying to draw, it’s really scary. I have to tell myself to keep breathing and be very nice to myself. Laugh about it, smile, take it line by line.
Toward the beginning of our relationship, I had a daily practice of drawing Ming. It was fun. I still have the sketchbook with a bunch of naked Ming. It helped my life, for a while.
Maybe it’s good to do something badly. Writing, cooking, love, being a friend I do pretty well usually. No one really accuses me of being a good drawer.
Well, my best friend does. She says it’s expressive. She’s super nice to me. She’s kind of like my mom, in that way. She has a lot of practice appreciating me, almost 30 years now. Maybe that’s a spiritual practice for her.
I wish everyone could experience being loved like that. When my mom was dying, my bestie wrote my mom a letter thanking her for bringing me into the world and telling her how I’d been helpful. It was sweet.
My mom got that letter and was happy. She txted me a picture of it.
My bestie is an artist for real. She designed the logo for the radical mental health collective.
