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Dangerous Compassions

being my own dog

Wow, guess what happened.  I went to bed and slept seven and a half hours straight.  Wow!!!  Guess when the last time that happened was?  …a while!

I woke up feeling like fairies visited me in the night and left me a working brain.  Well, it always works.  It’s just a matter of how.  Thanks, fairies.

I told my good friend the other day, “I feel like shit’s fucked, but I can create a pocket of happiness and live in it.”  Does that sound like denial?  I don’t think it is.  More of an oasis.  Whether it’s denial or an oasis, the coconuts are good.

One of the first things I said to Ming when I woke up today was that yesterday was a train wreck.  “It was like a train wreck, but the train cars are filled with jewels.”

Can you imagine it?  Wreckage–metal twisted and torn, train cars on their sides, broken open.  But glimmering glittery jewels are pouring from the wounds of the train cars, out into the dirt and grass and all over the tracks.  It’s smoking from the hot impact and the metal breaking apart.  But the jewels pouring out are shining with beauty, all different colors of all different jewels.  A ridiculous amount of riches, too much, on the ground.

Hmm, feels important today.  The mockingbird singing outside never saw a trainwreck like that, but is willing to try.

The jewels are ok, is the thing.  The train is done, but the jewels are just fine.  Willing to be picked up and recontained, blessing someone with wealth, or willing to nestle into the ground beside the wreck and be rocks again.  The jewels are cool with anything.

Yesterday was also Fix the Swamp Coolers Day.  Second spring is here.  I was explaining to Ming about the different springs in this desert.  I guess this is the warmer one.  We were told it was supposed to hit 90 this week.  Yesterday it was 88 when I checked.  Maybe it got to 90.

Things I will not put up with anymore.

1.  altar snobbery

It’s ok if my altar is a corner of my desk.  Or if I have multiple informal altars.  Seems like altars kind of just happen, around here.  That’s valid.  Please don’t come into my house and pretend an altar is not an altar, just because it’s messy and in a non-dedicated space.

2.  meanness to myself

I would like to be my own loved dog.  I’ll speak nicely to myself, give myself treats, take myself for a walk (or trike ride), pet my beautiful fur, feed myself delicious foods, and let myself sleep a lot or do whatever I need to do.  Yeah.

I wanted to be my own girlfriend for a while, and my own best friend.  But now I’ll give myself the life of luxury that is dogness for a rich, loved United Statesian dog.  I’m thinking I’m dark brown, large, healthy, like to run, swim, sniff, dig and have a deep doggish wholeness.  A secure dog with calm energy who doesn’t need to bark a lot but can bark if needed.

I like to drink water and smell good smells.  I stick my nose into neighbors’ flowers so often, it’s yellow with pollen–I’m a pollinator.  I don’t have to feel bad that I don’t go to work or have kids or do any human things.  I’m just a dog.  Let’s do it.

3.  feeling ashamed of stuff that’s not my fault

Wow, I could blame myself for anything.  Glad that’s over.

Examples of things I won’t blame myself for:

needing something different, overripe bananas, that I was abused, Ming’s health issues, my religious views, speaking the unspeakable, something stupid I did 27 years ago that only I remember anyway because it involved a person who is no longer living on this earth

Well, thank you for witnessing my resolutions.  Someone kindly offered to proofread my blog.  She has a new proofreading business.  I think my blog posts are kind of like tissues.  So ephemeral.  It would be like proofreading telegrams from 1947.  It could be amusing, but it’s not really going to help anyone.

I’ve blogged almost every day since 2006?  It was a February.  Yeah, maybe 14 years now.  I don’t need proofreading, but I could use it transferred to wordpress.  So please let me know if you can do that.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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