Dangerous Compassions

elderberry tree dreams, sun fear, other illumination

We went on a desert hike.  I was excited by water in the creek.  It was good to move and be outside, doing something animaly. 

The labyrinth was big and felt like commitment.  I was hiking with Ming and G, who are darker skinned.  We stopped to eat vegan donuts on a boulder.  I felt like life was good and things were possible. 

About an hour into the experience, I wanted to sit by the creek, but I got an overexposed feeling, like I needed shade right away.  Ming and G went on without me.

Walking back, I felt scared.  I wanted to stop and rest on a rock, but I was too afraid.  I had water–not sure what I thought would happen to me.  I want to go back soon in the early morning,

In the car, in shade, I wanted to sing.  The mother song I want to sing most lately, Eight Stanzas to Bhavani, I sang the first few words and started crying.  I wished my mom was still a living, happy Mama. 

My hand touched G’s jacket, dark blue and black, which was on the right side of the driver’s seat.  The wool feeling of the fabric contributed to my strong emotions.  I cried to God instead of singing to her. 

Oh, Mama.  If only things had been different.  Should I say it was the pesticides in the fields?  The rocketfuel on the water?  House by the toxic waste dump?  Everyday chemical exposure?  Living with smokers when you were young?  Random chance?  Stress of longterm abuse?  Bad genes?

My friend said to eat blueberries.  I said I wanted to plant elderberry trees, but Ming told me they usually grow by the river.  I think they wouldn’t live here, or would take a ton of water.

I get stressed and regret saying yes to anything.  I brainstorm what to cancel and surprise Ming with my ideas.  Sometimes I’ll say a weird idea and he’ll get confused thinking it’s something I chose.  An idea could be on a spectrum of silly impossible notion I thought of one second ago, to lifelong plan.

I posted a freecycle lightbulb ad, but no one wants this random lightbulb collection.

This is potentially illuminating also.  Friend’s lamps, about to move across the country.

I had an essay published in BiWomenQuarterly.  Page 12!  I reread it and saw some things I would change.  But I think it’s ok.  I like bringing together the different kinds of activism.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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