content warning: a little bit of self-hate pertaining to fatness, age, appearance–sorry about that
Ming invited me to a social event. He must have known I would be a “hell no!” but invited me anyway, then thought it was funny when I said hell no. “I’m going to travel back in time, just so I can not go a second time!” I told him, emphatic, which he found funny also.
There was a problem Ming had a long time ago, more than 15 years ago. We mentioned it yesterday. I said yeah, I have been trying to solve it the whole time I’ve known him. I had been trying to go back in time and fix the situation for him, struggling to find a way he could have not suffered. I haven’t figured it out.
Ps, I have a problem with time. Perhaps you’ve noticed. Sometimes the past seems more real to me than the present. It’s not ideal, really.
I love this chronic pain zine, so well done, and they made it into a book: when language runs dry. I ordered a copy. Please consider buying to share with your hurting friends.
Also I read about some free “don’t weigh me” cards you can give to your doctor if you or your kid don’t want to be weighed. I asked for some.
This statue at Cactus Joe’s surprised me. I don’t remember it from last time. I like the squash on the belly. Bandana prayer flags–weird.
I downloaded an app to do language exchange with strangers, but then I was supposed to have a user photo and got stuck on that. I tried taking a fresh selfie and thought I look too old and fat and no one would want to chat with me. My hair on top is getting grayer and grayer.
I usually love myself really good, but somehow seeing myself through the eyes of imagined young people in other countries made me sad, hopeless, self-loathing.
I wanted a picture that showed me as beautiful but not deceptively so. If they thought I was super pretty and then over chat I looked way less pretty, what if they didn’t want to talk to me. I was overthinking it, maybe. Still am.
My friend who visited yesterday made me this beautiful art. We had great conversation bits, yesterday, in between her caring for her toddler. It’s neat how friends who come over bring their kids, and I learn new ways of being social.
She does elaborate beading stuff, especially on skulls. She gave us one before, a beaded bird skull I look at every day, with baby pinks. This one has a whole different color scheme, maximum vibrant.