content warning: ideas that sound eating disordery, but I’m actually ok
I realized I have all this French inside me, I might as well study French a little bit and see how that goes. Not sure why I didn’t think of that till yesterday, lying in bed, messing around on my phone. I was studying Spanish for years. I didn’t realize I could do two.
Isn’t it funny how the simplest notion can take years to dawn on me. But that’s ok–at least it eventually arrives. Maybe some people, you know, would never realize it.
I took the French placement quiz and skipped some lessons. My accent is terrible, but I can read it, and hear it. I guess being brave enough to try to pronounce stuff is my difficulty. Maybe a throwback to when I didn’t speak.
I was sick in the night. Eating seems too treacherous and could lead to too much illness. It was tummy stuff–I was afraid my ulcer was bleeding again and I would need to go to the hospital. There was pain.
Ming helped me. I was hurting and afraid mixed with ill and super tired. A couple hours later, it was over. But ask me if I want to eat anything, ever again.
I’m up in the night and wanted to finish a couple letters. I realized I had nothing to say. It seemed way too complicated. But I feel happy to have people I can write to. There’s a witch in France who seems really nice–that’s what I want to go toward.
Hmm, maybe that’s why I realized I could learn French again? Or maybe it’s a coincidence. It’s low commitment. I didn’t even have to tell anybody.
I guess Ming would have noticed the sound of another language. But his learning disability is about hearing language. He might not have realized.
I should give this kindness and slack to myself all the time. Not just grieving time.
1. worshipping this Quan Yin on my desk before we install her outside
2. strawberries exist and will be there for me if and when I’m ready to eat again
3. effort I make to keep learning and changing is working
4. my mind is ok (or better)
5. weird things I did a long time ago can fuel me with provocative memories and odd thoughts even today–yay