Dangerous Compassions

crazy, not stupid

“He’s missing some parts,” Ming said, talking crap about the psyche of a mutual acquaintance.

“What about me?  Am I missing some parts?” I asked.

He thought about it.  I was using a tissue to dust the bottom of a very slightly dusty jar that had been on my desk, using a Sharpie marker to push the tissue to make contact with the glass better.  “Maybe,” he said.

“Well, at least I can use simple tools.  I’m as smart as a raven!” I said.  I looked into the jar.  It was now dust-free.

In celebration of 50% Off Cheap Chocolate Day yesterday, we went to the store for cheap chocolate.  There was very little chocolate.  The doorman told me shapes of stuffed animal I could buy.  We have Bunny–Bunny is enough.  But I did see a pretty sea turtle.

Yesterday some things went wrong.  Mail overwhelmed me.  Then i spilled water on my desk including my computer.  Then I ran out of spoons and felt malfunctiony.  Ming came home late.  I was having trouble eating.  Then we had a sad, intense conversation like an argument.  

I realized some things.  I realized maybe we should have said no to everything for the month after Mom died.  We feel ok and agree to stuff, but then it’s too much.  

If I get upset then hate myself for it, that’s really adding insult to injury.  Need a way to give myself a break.

A mockingbird is singing outside.  Ming came back to bed and slightly wakes up when I cough.  I guess I should find some breakfast.

I’m crazy, not stupid.  I believe if anything is missing from my psyche, it’s made up for by something extra that I have.

I read an article years ago about how gay people could make sense evolutionarily.  It said how gay people can strengthen community / humanity by being good aunts and uncles.  So then if the gay people don’t have kids physically, they’re still caring for their genes less directly.

I think about that a lot.  I don’t need to have kids, work for money, or do capitalism right to be a valid person.  I think about how I can help other ways.

I have a godchild.  I was dusting the jar to put twelve colorful dino erasers into for a present.  I’m trying to think of a funny way to label the jar, to improve the present.  Maybe “emergency dinosaurs.”

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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