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Dangerous Compassions

the stage of grief where I daydream about changing everything

Last night was the service for my mom at the Catholic Worker.  Kinda surreal, that happened.  In the prayer room–it’s my favorite place in Las Vegas, other than my own bed. 

R played two songs on his guitar.  I sang a Durga song I love.  Some people read some brief things.  There was a go around.  There was a prayer, a candle, flowers, some strawberries.

The funniest part is when R said we were balanced, half men and half women.  I asked, “How do you know?” 

He said, “I counted.” 

I said, “Hmm.”

Then my friend who is non-binary said to Ming, “Hey Ming, I guess you and I cancel each other out.”  It delighted me, as Ming is non-binary also.

I asked my friend B to read a thing, but she was too crying.  But Ming was the designated crier, almost the whole time.  He knew Mom best, other than me.  Mostly those people only heard of my mom, or met her last year when she visited, when I was in the hospital.

Ming is a very nice partner person, and Mom could tell.  She saw me get mixed up with all kinds of people, and she could tell Ming is golden.

Still, we argued yesterday.  He said something that hurt my feelings, and we were rushed out the door to the art workshop B led.  I had asked for things he didn’t give to me.  That’s fine if he can’t give them to me, but I wish he would say no so I could find another way.

It’s hard to manage your time when you’re falling asleep over and over again, a hundred times a day.  It’s hard for people to understand how sleep being thrown off throws off your whole life.  And the ocd is not helpful either, when certain things take a very long time to do. 

Add to that insurance not wanting to pay for meds, and meds that aren’t that effective to begin with.   Then the regular stressors of life, and death on top of it.

There are so many things I lost, when I lost my mom.  The particular cuddly love.  A person I could always txt and talk to, who always cared what I had to say.  Someone who watched out for me.  Someone very smart who had insight to share.  Someone who encouraged me to dance and smile.  Someone who knew me well and knew my life in unique ways.  The one who carried me and helped me into the world with her own body.

The particular way she was very beautiful–her unique vibrancy.  A kindness that was unique to her.  The way she could get to the truth so incisively.  I keep remembering when I was in the hospital, and she said, “How do they expect you to poop, if they won’t let you eat food?”  She could see straight to the core of a problem and speak the truth very directly.  Then there were other truths also, that were avoided.  She had a lot of feelings.  She really wanted a happy family.  Some moments, she got that.

It’s a lot to lose at once.  But I keep feeling how I felt the first day–that she was Shakti energy, took human form to learn human lessons and do human service, accomplished her mission, and returned to Shakti energy.  It’s painful, but life ends.  Death is normal.  I wish she had another 20 years–I’m sorry she didn’t get to be old.  But I’m happy for what she had.

A lot I thought would happen isn’t going to happen.  I’m letting go of predictions, expectations.  There’s a lot to wrap my mind around.  Some futures I never even knew I wanted–dreams to let go of I didn’t even realize I had.  Something I thought we were working toward that I’ll never get, certain kinds of approval I’ll never get from her that I didn’t even realize I wanted until now.

I can give that approval to myself, though.  Lately I’m doing rituals all the time.  I had a fantasy people could hire me to design rituals for them, design and implement.  I think sometimes about my ideal job.  I thought poet, zinester, barefoot zine librarian.  Now I think ritual designer.  Would you hire me?

Feb 1 2020 6pm prayer rm LVCW

short service for Mama


light candle–5 min meditation

why I wanted to gather

–others will not make it to California, honor my mom, 

help us feel the change, togetherness, love

who Mom was

pass around photos

shawl also

Red–R

reading–poem before Kaddish

reading–golden

reading–Thanksgiving-B

thank everyone for support through her death

why no Kaddish, moment of silence to imagine it–M

one minute speak option go around, passing ok

–a memory of meeting my mom, something about your own mom, thoughts about grieving, thoughts about family, 

a word, an idea, a gratefulness

reading–Thich Nhat Hanh–J

mother song–Durga, LM

ending prayer

hugs

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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