Dangerous Compassions

plant happiness, rainbow cat, ritual day

Yesterday we went to Star nursery in the morning.  It was fun to look at plants.  Few people were there.

I asked a worker if they had lemon verbena–she said no.  I asked if they had yerba buena–she said she had never heard of it, in all her years.  I felt kind of accused, like I was making up a plant. 

“What’s the common name?” she asked.

“That’s the common name,” I said.  “It’s like a mint, but I don’t think it’s actually a mint.  It has stiff leaves, smells really good…”

“Is it an herb?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“All the herbs are over here,” she said.  I was accepting that finding yerba buena might be difficult.  Not a surprise.  I wanted to tell her how San Francisco had been called Yerba Buena long ago, but I didn’t think she was interested.

Then I saw they did have lemon verbena, which was confusing because she’d said they didn’t.  We chose a good looking plant of the few lemon verbenas, though I know it dies back in the winter, usually. 

We chose an upright rosemary that looked good also, and a little chard plant that was only fifty cents.

We bought some sand, to mix with tomato lady soil to make it drain better.  Sometimes it seems too dense.

I could have looked around for a long time, but we needed to get going for a brunch date with a friend.  We ate pupusas with her and had a good time talking about many things.  She’s involved with the radical mental health collective, and we talked about some ideas related to that.

We’d wanted to make enchiladas again, but the timing felt different and my energy was low.  Lately I feel hungry but don’t know what to eat, feel like listening to music but can’t think what to listen to.  Then I choose something, but it doesn’t seem right.  Some kind of restlessness combined with difficulty making decisions.  Maybe related to the changing of the seasons.

I took some pictures of rainbow in the driveway.  I try not to get too attached to these cats, but she’s a cutie.

At night we finally did the ritual I’d wanted to do since October 19th.  I said some words, and we ate the special cookies.  It was about Dad and the third anniversary of his death, but also fall, changes, and friendship.  I expressed some intentions and thanks.  We burned a handmade candle that a friend had mailed me as part of a birthday package.  We had rocks given to us by another friend. 

It felt really good to mark the season and do something different in our usual space.  A moth visited and flew at my head.  I could have sat a long time in the candlelight, but I felt vulnerable.

I took melatonin, not for sleep, but I heard it can be good for the gut.  I wish my ulcer would heal.  I got really sleepy in the way I don’t like, overly sleepy in a way that scares me.  I felt like crying, but not in a good way–more bewildered and overwhelmed, like a lost kid. 

So I remember now why I don’t like melatonin.  I thought the dose was so low, it wouldn’t do that to me.  It was half of a 5mg pill.

Then I woke up with a cramp in my calf, in pain but too weirdly sleepy to know what to do.  I stretched it eventually and it stopped.  So then I got up and wrote about the ritual.  Now I’m eating cereal with toasted almond slices.

I heard Ming coughing and thought he would get up, but he’s still in bed.  Our friend volunteered to do the Catholic Worker costco shop with Ming this morning so I wouldn’t have to.  I feel grateful to him.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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