I’m comforted by lists. I think I’m good at brainstorming. My brain is full of thick, dark clouds. Electric flashes of lightning.
Ming is lying in the window bed reading a book about icons. It’s almost 2am. I’m drinking some tea Ming made me that’s now lukewarm.
Jesus said that funny thing about not wanting people to be lukewarm. Remember that part? That if you’re lukewarm, he’ll spit you out.
Ming saw one of his kids. I had a message for him and was going to write it down. Ming had the idea that I could make a video for him instead. “Could we do that?” I asked. Ming recorded me on his phone. But at the restaurant, his kid couldn’t hear the sound.
I have a daily to do list in an email I send over and over again to me and Ming. A long long googledocs to do list, a bucket list, some date ideas, a list of debt. Some reminders, a list specific for NDE. I have lists of ideas for self-care, anti-anxiety, how to help a sad person, how to resist capitalism for fun, what to put in a bag for a homeless person, things to do for the radical mental health collective. Meds we take. Emergency contact list. Strategies for how to cope with summer heat. Friend priority list.
Sometimes I think my writing is elaborating on lists.
I decided I want to be Totoro when I grow up. I can be a big cuddly forest creature who sleeps in a secret place. I don’t have to talk in words–I’m perfectly understood with a roar. I can hold an umbrella and fly. I’m slightly scary but very kind and friendly. Not very understood. Real but mythical.
See, that was a list. I hope the order I choose is meaningful. It might build or lead to a conclusion, but it really is just a list.
I like how it shows the kid’s reaction so the kid watching knows how to react. You can be surprised and maybe a little scared, but not that scared. You are ok.