I hear people assert stuff about the end of humanity. Usually I think they’re imagining it wrong. I have a belief that there’s going to be a superflu or other virus that kills off a large chunk of the population.
“Why do you think I believe that?” I asked Ming. “Is it really likely? Am I having a premonition? What do you think?”
Ming thinks everything is projection. He explained how he thinks of energy crisis causing the end of humanity. But he’s ten years older than I am. When I was a kid, AIDS was a big thing. I remember hearing about it when I was little. A very scary illness. So Ming thinks that affects my dreams and my fears about the end of the world.
It’s true–threat of nuclear war and war in general, I don’t remember the beginning. But AIDS, I think I remember when it became a news item.
“So it’s not that likely?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t say that,” Ming told me.
“It’s not that it’s necessarily likely or unlikely,” I said. “It’s just in my imagination.”
My dreams actually are not about superflu or other virus–they are more about dystopia and the government rounding people up and killing us. Well, I guess that’s happening now. Sad face.
Last night I was lying in bed, praying and feeling God’s love, not all the way awake. I was feeling cared for and warm. Then I felt like God wanted to tell me something. She said three things.
She loves me.
She’s keeping me safe.
She wouldn’t let me go to a bad place.
She didn’t have a regular voice–it was more of an idea thing. I’ve been thinking about death a ton lately. I felt God was telling me that she’s been taking care of me my whole life, and there’s no way she’s going to stop taking care of me after I die.
What do you think of that? A dream, a fantasy? I wasn’t really asleep or awake. It didn’t seem like a dream–also didn’t seem like a fantasy or thought. It felt like a simple, quiet religious experience. I wanted to tell Ming, but I think he was talking with our friend in the kitchen. I just lay there a while then fell asleep.
Before that, last God experience I had was months ago, in that waiting room before I met my new GI doc, when I felt God was comforting me and had her hand on my chest. Before that was seeing Jaguar in the hospital. Before that was when I lived in Sacramento several years ago, seeing light at vespers twice. When I thought something was wrong with my brain, or my eyes.
Is it wrong, for me to think God would speak to me? Am I like my crazy neighbor now? It didn’t feel crazy at all–it felt perfectly fine. Like a wonderful yet normal thing.
We’re in Davis now. We ate some delicious organic apricots. Ming is sharing his deli inari with me. Also, a wonderful cookie.