Dangerous Compassions

in which God talks to me about death

I hear people assert stuff about the end of humanity.  Usually I think they’re imagining it wrong.  I have a belief that there’s going to be a superflu or other virus that kills off a large chunk of the population.

“Why do you think I believe that?” I asked Ming.  “Is it really likely?  Am I having a premonition?  What do you think?”

Ming thinks everything is projection.  He explained how he thinks of energy crisis causing the end of humanity.  But he’s ten years older than I am.  When I was a kid, AIDS was a big thing.  I remember hearing about it when I was little.  A very scary illness.  So Ming thinks that affects my dreams and my fears about the end of the world.

It’s true–threat of nuclear war and war in general, I don’t remember the beginning.  But AIDS, I think I remember when it became a news item.

“So it’s not that likely?” I asked.

“No, I didn’t say that,” Ming told me.

“It’s not that it’s necessarily likely or unlikely,” I said.  “It’s just in my imagination.”

My dreams actually are not about superflu or other virus–they are more about dystopia and the government rounding people up and killing us.  Well, I guess that’s happening now.  Sad face.

Last night I was lying in bed, praying and feeling God’s love, not all the way awake.  I was feeling cared for and warm.  Then I felt like God wanted to tell me something.  She said three things. 

She loves me.

She’s keeping me safe.

She wouldn’t let me go to a bad place.

She didn’t have a regular voice–it was more of an idea thing.  I’ve been thinking about death a ton lately.  I felt God was telling me that she’s been taking care of me my whole life, and there’s no way she’s going to stop taking care of me after I die.

What do you think of that?  A dream, a fantasy?  I wasn’t really asleep or awake.  It didn’t seem like a dream–also didn’t seem like a fantasy or thought.  It felt like a simple, quiet religious experience.  I wanted to tell Ming, but I think he was talking with our friend in the kitchen.  I just lay there a while then fell asleep.

Before that, last God experience I had was months ago, in that waiting room before I met my new GI doc, when I felt God was comforting me and had her hand on my chest.  Before that was seeing Jaguar in the hospital.  Before that was when I lived in Sacramento several years ago, seeing light at vespers twice.  When I thought something was wrong with my brain, or my eyes.

Is it wrong, for me to think God would speak to me?  Am I like my crazy neighbor now?  It didn’t feel crazy at all–it felt perfectly fine.  Like a wonderful yet normal thing.

We’re in Davis now.  We ate some delicious organic apricots.  Ming is sharing his deli inari with me.  Also, a wonderful cookie.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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