I’m at a starbux in Sacramento near where I used to live, but I never much came here.
Ming is getting a car wash and Iraqi bread. The windshield was getting hard for him to see through. I have some special bumper stickers I want to apply on the minivan. I’ve accumulated them for a long time.
I feel like I’m moving at a strange speed. Very slow or very fast. Nearly stopped or full-speed.
Not sure what’s the anemia, sleep deprivation, middle age, standard craziness, med error, mood stuff, some unknown health issue that should be worrying me. It’s confusing.
There’s tired, really tired, so tired I think I will slip into another dimension, fall over tired, faint tired, look around to see a good landing place in case I really faint this time tired. You gotta be kidding me tired. No one knows what I mean when I say I’m tired tired.
I love Earth and it will always be my planet, but I find myself lately wishing there were other options. I thought backpacking would be a way to mostly escape the things that are most driving me crazy–advertising, interpersonal bs, everyday cruelty, bureaucracy, capitalism, misunderstandings. But I don’t like to shit in the woods, and probably most of what I don’t like about the world, I’m carrying around in my own head. You can’t take a vacation from yourself.
I guess that’s why a lot of people use drugs. There are lots of different kinds. Not sure what’s real life and what’s escapism. When does something stop being a valid life activity and become a way to numb yourself. And is numbing yourself really not valid? Is a certain amount ok? What’s the validity cap on self-medication? Half hour per day? And why would involving a doctor and pharmaceutical company make it more ok? Or tv, alcohol, gambling, movies, kittens.
Lots of questions lately, and they don’t seem to be helping. Some moments this experiment is ok, and other times I’d like to give up. Love to all the people who are giving up and not giving up.