Yesterday was board meeting day. But three people who would have been at the meeting were still in jail for the civil disobedience. So things were chaotic. They had a pre-trial video thing with a judge in the afternoon, and the judge wasn’t going to let them go. So we bailed them out, which was a headache.
Too much stress, social time, activity, emotion. Too many things to do, too many physical objects to sort through and manage. I feel burned out. We got thanked a lot, but I know I’m doing too much. Feel kind of disgusted with everyone and everything, including myself.
Yesterday I was talking to two people in the courtyard and said some critical things about the Catholic Worker that I regretted afterward. Not that I was wrong or unkind exactly, more than I didn’t like the person I was when I said them.
It makes me want to never talk at all. I kinda used to be like that. Not really talking.
One Walker decided to stay an extra week. No discussion, no permission asked. He watches tv in the back house for hours, naps in the armchair. It’s not really ok.
Another person arrived today and asked to stay a week, unrelated to the event. I couldn’t say no. But the longer people are here, the harder it is for me. I need my life to return to normal. When I was talking to Ming about it, he said, “We’re not a hotel.” It’s true but I’m horrible at setting boundaries sometimes, and I’m thinking I’ll just keep hiding out.
I feel confused and kind of lost. Upset about my friend who was beaten by a cop and arrested. Worried about another friend who has a kidney infection. Also it feels awkward to love so much these friends who I’ve known only a few years. I feel kind of unmoored.
It used to be it look me so long to make friends. Now I have a ton of friends, and I can’t be there very well for everyone. Also, it feels uncomfortable, not knowing basic facts about someone I feel close to. I forget where people are from, for example. That bothers me. How could I keep track of it all? I’d need a spreadsheet.
Well, I’ve been up for an hour. I need sleep, but the fitful dreams are so bad. Ming was sleeping very quietly, and it was freaking me out. Usually he snores.
Lots of funny things I forget to tell you. For whatever reason, too tired to write them down.
At 10pm four friends were finally released from jail. Ming was calling the adult children of a friend who was in jail to update them and called the wife of another. Txted our friend with the kidney infection and offered to give her a ride back to the hospital. Her fever is too much.
The neighborhood mockingbird is singing, so comforting.
I like when it’s been a hard night and then I finally wake up with light streaming through the window. I say to myself, oh, it’s finally morning–I can get up.