My overwhelming feeling is: all my hard work preparing is paying off. All that scheduling, listmaking, delegating, asking for help.
Yesterday I told my friend–asking for help is a job in itself. I messaged and emailed around fifteen people, just asking them to be building monitors at the UU church. There was some back-and-forth.
“People think help magically appears. That only happens in fairy tales,” I told Ming. We were lying on mats in a nursery. I was looking at the paintings on the walls, thinking of a witch who would appear in disguise, or those ants who sorted something overnight for a worthy girl.
There was a thing telling the kids to vote. I thought that was weird because they have to wait a decade.
Also, I realized that in previous years, I would feel guilty for hiding out. I would force myself to be social when I needed to be alone, which would have really bad consequences for me.
Now I know how to take care of myself and honor who I am. I still feel guilty, but that doesn’t stop me, now.
It’s hard having my behavior misinterpreted. Yesterday morning a lady jacked up on speed or coffee or having a manic episode maybe saw me standing outside by the door, just thinking. She called my name and asked, “Are you ok?” in a way that felt weird.
I said, “It’s ok, not to be ok.”
It’s hard for me to act normal–people always want others to act normal. And I can’t be social for very long. People think I’m lazy or conceited or whatever they think. Who really cares.