Dangerous Compassions

what I most want

How do you decide what you most want?  I have old dreams, but I would like to know what’s real now.

Others tell me I should publish a book.  But I really like zines.  I think they suit me better, DIY and smaller scale.  I have a successful poet friend who publishes books, and he says I do it a good way.

Of course there’s kids, house, career, money, all that.  Money is not going to be it.  I mean the normal route.  No way.

I admire vegans who go off the grid.  You know I wanted to move to the PNW and have a big garden, enjoy home, go to the city once a week for Indian food and bookstores, city time.  That was a delicious fantasy, cooking with all the fresh produce we grow ourselves, but Ming and I don’t have the energy for a big garden.  Something would have to change.

Van dwelling is another idea, a mobile life, but I don’t know if Ming and I would fit well.  And we’d have to get rid of everything.  Well, that’s just an idea.  Nice not to pay regular rent.

We could stay here in Vegas.  We have community, support, meaningful things to do, friends, a peaceful courtyard, and someone else picking up the cat poop.  It’s a very good life, but the summers are brutal.  Ming doesn’t mind, but for me it’s months of hell to endure.

I could go back to school for something–teaching English to non-English speaking adults.  Something in the alternative mental health field.  I could become some kind of teacher again or healer.

My relationship with money is bad.  I just hate it.  It makes me feel dirty.  I think everything should be free, the way I think school shouldn’t have any grades, and I feel bad charging anyone for anything.  I feel bad passing the hat at radical mental health meetings, so much so that I usually just skip it.

I’m 42 years old and this is a nice place.  My energy is low but otherwise I have everything I need and things are pretty great.

Well, please let me know if you have any ideas.  

My small-term goals, like organizing the mess, learning to live within our means, cooking at home a lot, exercising in some way almost every day, taking better care of my teeth, meditating almost every day–those seem attainable.  But I feel like I’m missing something bigger.

By Laura-Marie

Good at listening to the noise until it makes sense.

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