I was just on facebook and started crying when I saw a headline about forced sterilization of Native women. “Forced sterilization gets me down,” I told Ming when he noticed me crying.
The women were denied access to their newborns until they agreed to be sterilized. This was as recently as last year. There’s a lawsuit.
Sometimes I feel like giving up. Earlier this year, I had a pregnancy test because I hadn’t had my period in a while. I realized my ankles had been swollen and I was more tired, falling asleep in chairs. For a few days there we thought we might be having a baby, something I never wanted, but I was getting used to the idea.
I wrote a poem about it yesterday. It mentions Christmas. I’d like to write a new series of Christmas poems.
Last night R was over and we were talking about how I haven’t played guitar in a long time–he asked why. I said there are all these things I like to do every day and music fell off the list. I said how this cough makes it hard for me to sing. I said I didn’t think being a musician was God’s plan for me, this time–God wants me to be a writer. Then I said, “I guess you never know. Maybe God has more than one plan for me.”
“Well yeah,” R said. “God’s had a few so far.” I thought of my 42 years. R has known me for only six years–he doesn’t really know what my life has been. Only I know, I guess.
Motherhood is not in God’s plan for me, this time, I’m pretty sure. But my heart aches for other moms.